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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26439802">Relight My Fire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustJim/pseuds/JustJim'>JustJim</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Useless_girl/pseuds/Useless_girl'>Useless_girl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Home Is Where the Spark Is [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Teen Wolf (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged up characters, Alpha Derek, Anger, Depression, Detective Stiles, Emissary in Training Stiles, Emotional, Emotions, Epic Romance, Fighting, Ghosts, Healing from Injuries, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Magic, Magic Stiles, PTSD, Panic Attack, Self-Blame, Slash, Soulmates, Spark Stiles, Supernatural - Freeform, Trauma, Werewolf Lore, Werewolves, canon and non-canon elements, emissary bond, emissary stiles, fears, m/m - Freeform, mate bond, matured Stiles, post-Teen Wolf, sterek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:02:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>30,671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26439802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustJim/pseuds/JustJim, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Useless_girl/pseuds/Useless_girl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek’s fear of Stiles’ magical fire causes more tension between the mates and the Spark thinks he found the only way to solve that problem. Will he manage to go through with that dangerous ritual or will someone stop him?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Home Is Where the Spark Is [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607563</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 17: Relight My Fire - Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>Note:</strong> This is the 17th part of the “<a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607563">Home Is Where the Spark Is</a>” series. To understand better what’s going on, we recommend reading the previous entries. Enjoy!</p><p><strong>Fandoms: </strong>Teen Wolf, Sterek</p><p><strong>Characters/relationships:</strong> Stiles Stilinski/Derek Hale, Chris Argent, Alan Deaton, Claudia Stilinski</p><p><strong>Rating/category: </strong>supernatural, post-Teen Wolf, canon and non-canon elements, slash, M/M, Sterek, aged up characters, Spark Stiles, Magic Stiles, Emissary Stiles, Emissary in training Stiles, detective Stiles, matured Stiles, Alpha Derek, epic romance, love, magic, soulmates, Mate bond, Emissary bond, werewolves, emotions, fighting, ghosts, depression, PTSD, trauma, fears, self-blame, healing from injuries, anger, panic attack, emotional, hurt/comfort, werewolf lore</p><p><strong>Summary:</strong> Derek’s fear of Stiles’ magical fire causes more tension between the mates and the Spark thinks he found the only way to solve that problem. Will he manage to go through with that dangerous ritual or will someone stop him?</p><p><strong>Disclaimer:</strong> This is a product of our imagination and was written only for entertainment and fun. We don’t profit from this fanfiction and we mean no harm or disrespect against any real person, culture or custom that might appear in the story. All original pictures or edits and fictional characters used in the story belong to their respective owners and credit goes to them.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <br/>
<em> <a href="https://www.deviantart.com/marcianca/art/Sterek-454068488">Marcianca edit</a> </em>
</p><p><strong>Home Is Where the Spark Is<br/>
</strong> <em>By Just Jim &amp; Useless-girl</em></p><p>
  <strong>17: Relight My Fire – Part 1</strong>
</p><p>The awkwardness didn’t fade the next day, something happened between them since the rise of the magic, when it had chosen to depict as a large burning phoenix. No matter how hard Derek had tried in the moment to ignore the fear it had evoked within, Stiles somehow knew and it was as if they were tiptoeing around it. Because the human didn’t want to trigger the still healing alpha and the werewolf didn’t want to trigger the recovering Spark. It wasn’t ideal.<br/>
<br/>
Derek had woken up on the table, groggy and stiff due to the still healing wounds. Chris had attempted to make it less like a dead man on a table by covering his lower half with a blanket. At that time Stiles was still sleeping, and he hadn’t known at first what had woken him up until he realized it was Argent messing with the wound on his leg, or so it felt, because when he blinked a few times, he realized it was being cleaned.<br/>
<br/>
“You should get a shower now that you’re awake before you go back in your werewolf coma. And with should I mean do it,” Argent told him, helping him off the table, holding him before his face could greet the floor.</p><p>Sluggishly Derek let himself be dragged to the bathroom, too out of it to complain and not even sure if this was really happening. The shower ended up being him in the tub after his pants had been cut off and Chris cleaning him with the water. There were words thrown his way, words he didn’t understand as he blinked a few times, his head lolling to the side. It was the last thing he knew because the next time he opened his eyes, he was in bed and there were bandages and he was very naked under the sheet. Stiles wasn’t next to him but when he moved his hand to reach the empty spot, there was still warmth lingering.<br/>
<br/>
Then he was out again, sometimes getting glimpses of a sleeping form curled up next to him or fingers gently putting on cream to the wounds. When he woke again, the sun was on his face, the window was cracked open a little and birds were singing loudly, the bed was empty again. Derek had no idea how much time had passed in total, but he didn’t feel like he was in healing stage anymore. There was some pain as he moved, stitches pulling at his skin but it could have been a lot worse, considering. Peeking under the bandages, he couldn’t help but make a face, it still looked bad, although it felt a lot better on the inside and his leg didn’t protest at all. So that was mostly healed. Oh hey, he wasn’t naked anymore, somebody had put his underwear on. The taste in his mouth came close to a sewage. He probably had puked up some of the damaged bits his body had discarded and healed. He should have warned Stiles about that, but maybe the Spark hadn’t been witness to it and didn’t have a freak out.<br/>
<br/>
Sliding out of bed like an old man, the Hale shuffled over to the main area of the loft. It had been a while since he had been hurt like this. He had almost forgotten how it made him feel, which was why he had always been alone in the past, because there was nothing pretty about a healing wolf.</p><p>“Stiles?” Wow, his voice sounded unused and rough. He had to know his mate was relatively okay.</p><p>It was late afternoon by then, but the sun was still high enough to bathe the loft in its rays. Stiles has been asleep since he had quite literally fainted into bed and only woke up a couple of times, once forcing himself to take a shower. He felt more awake around an hour ago so he carefully moved around despite the protesting of his body. Chris needed proof that he's not going to collapse before the druid managed to talk him into going home to rest – and probably update his dad about their condition.<br/>
<br/>
Stiles had seen the few text messages left on his phone about how things were on the sheriff's end and asking how they were doing. He probably didn't call because both of them were out cold. He texted him back a little while ago to put Noah's mind somewhat at ease, although he knew it was probably not going to happen any time soon.<br/>
<br/>
The rogue alpha in town called for emergency measures and a couple of plans to be drawn up to defend themselves – and maybe, just maybe, even drive him out of town. They didn't need this complication at all, but here they were. They had to deal with this situation too.<br/>
<br/>
Stiles downed his Adderall with an energy drink and ate a banana to both hydrate himself and get something into his growling stomach. He couldn't look at food, but his body needed the sustenance after overusing the magic. It clearly took a lot out of them, but like always, Stiles focused more on others than himself. He had put together a few sandwiches for the two of them in the kitchen and just finished packing things away when he felt his nose starting to bleed again. Not a good sign.<br/>
<br/>
They had to do the balancing soon – whether Derek liked it or not to be so close to magic again – because Stiles' own healing was apparently too slow. He went to the bathroom to deal with the bleeding and drank a few potions from the stash to speed up his healing and feel less like a beaten up old man when he felt Derek waking up and moving around.<br/>
<br/>
He quickly washed the remains of the blood away at the sink and dried his face with a towel before heading outside. "I'm here. Still alive and kicking," he walked into the living area with more confidence in his steps than how he felt. He felt... thin. Too fragile. And he hated it. "You look better," he glimpsed at the thankfully blood-less bandages. "I sent Chris home to rest and made some sandwiches for us. We should eat. Sit down on the couch. I'll bring them over on a tray," he said, already carefully on the move. Eating on the kitchen table was out of the question. Chris did a great job with cleaning it as much as possible, but it reeked of bleach and cleaning stuff.</p><p>Actually, Stiles should be the one to sit down on the couch while Derek went to get the sandwiches but Stiles was already on his way to the kitchen, shuffling like he could use a walker or a few more days of bed rest. If he looked as bad as the human, then looking better wasn't much of a compliment at this point. The smell of bleach was all around them, which made him look to the floor, the bloodless floor. He should get Argent a gift like a bottle of whiskey for all the work he had done cleaning up Derek's blood. The man wasn't even part of the pack.<br/>
<br/>
There was a nervous energy around Stiles, even all the way over here, and Derek knew it was because of him. The Spark was barely keeping himself together, probably had told Chris to go home too soon. Because he didn't want others to take care of him and would rather needlessly struggle by himself. He was a lot like Derek in that way and it wasn't always the healthiest way to cope. Gingerly, the Hale lowered himself on the couch, restlessly drumming his fingers because he wanted to shoo Stiles out of the kitchen. They didn't need sandwiches, they could just as well order in or eat some simple things not requiring any kind of preparation. However, if he ate, Stiles might eat too so there was that.<br/>
<br/>
"I'm okay, you know, I'm fine. So how about I take care of you?" he called out, because it was the blind leading the cripple anyways at this point and he was the werewolf in this all, which meant he could handle more. Why did everything they do feel like they take five steps forwards and then ten backwards? The tension between them was getting familiar – first the rut causing damage, then Stiles exploding because of Derek's trauma from getting his soul back. They had something bad happen, it ended up with them healing and they'd be right here.<br/>
<br/>
Rubbing his eyes with a groan, Derek shook off the feeling of being watched. Stiles had made sure to make the loft inaccessible to most ghosts, because Derek had gotten tired of being eyeballed all the time. So he couldn't be watched, there was no way somebody could be here.</p><p>"We both are far from okay or fine, but I hope we'll get there. Let's just eat these first then you can take care of me, okay?" Stiles offered kinda like a compromise to ease the worrying eyes of his mate on him. Yeah, he could feel those on him clearly.<br/>
<br/>
In a minute or two he was back and sat down with some uncomfortable flinches and put the tray between them. At that point his stomach was grumbling loudly and he took a big bite to quiet it and maybe also so that his quietness wouldn't be so obvious. Not that he could fool Derek. They had to talk about things, even if he was kinda scared of that.<br/>
<br/>
"Your wounds are healing well compared to how they looked yesterday. How are you feeling? Still 'heal-stupid'?" he asked in-between two bites, finally really looking at his mate.</p><p>Fingers plucked at the bread, giving off the idea of picking it up at some point to bite into but he was mostly buying time so Stiles would eat. Food was the last thing on his mind at the moment, would probably wait until tomorrow when he knew for sure it was all healed up inside. His body was efficient and the stitches had helped putting it all back together nicely, still, he wasn't sure if he wanted bowel movements yet. And that wasn't something he was going to mention when his mate was eating. Stiles had a vivid imagination and didn't need those kinds of pictures in his head after witnessing it yesterday.<br/>
<br/>
"I'm fine, I won't need any healing sleep anymore, the rest will heal on its own." Not needing that deep intense stage anymore. Regular sleep and rest would take care of it and once the skin would itch, he could remove the stitches so the final irregularities would heal as well. He met the gaze full on, since it had been avoided before, as if looking at Derek fully would set things off. Stiles was avoiding it, trying to make small talk which only made it sound forced and empty. Something also letting the Hale know just how little energy the other had left if he couldn't even keep up with this kind of talk.<br/>
<br/>
He pulled at a crust of bread. "You look as I feel so..." So he was hoping for some kind of start on whatever they had to talk about, anything to stop Stiles from looking like a kicked puppy.</p><p>Stiles wasn't stupid even in his state. He had noticed how Derek wasn't really eating just toying with the food. But he didn't argue. Not this time. Derek knew best what was good for a healing werewolf body with the injuries he had now. And besides... not that Stiles wouldn't care, that wasn't the case at all... he felt just so... tired. Tired from always having to deal with some shit that usually hit the proverbial fan. Tired of the tension between them which it often caused. But most of all, tired of being the reason himself for being in this situation. Because this was on him. His mate was hurt because of him... of what he was. There was that moment when his mate... feared him again. Stronger than at the animal clinic when he was practicing with the elements and produced a small flame on his palm. And Stiles couldn't blame Derek. This time... the fire was on a very much bigger scale.<br/>
<br/>
"How do you feel about... feeling the magic in you again? So soon after..." After it transformed into a friggin' phoenix... "We'll need to balance soon. Not sure how you feel about that or how healed you are for that," he mumbled, looking back at his sandwich somewhat guiltily again. Because yeah, Stiles wasn't even sure if Derek wanted them to touch at this point.</p><p>There was no hiding the reaction it caused in Derek when the magic was mentioned. The flinch was as physical as it was emotional, his hand stilling on the sandwich while his heart nearly dropped to his stomach at the idea. It was stupid, it made sense Stiles needed to get more magic in him because of the big chunk the large spell had him use up. Too much would wear him out as much as too little did. This ritual was part of them now, it kept Stiles healthy but more importantly, it kept him alive so why was this even a point of tentative discussion?</p><p><em>Because you’re afraid.<br/>
</em><br/>
And that's why his mate looked like he did, the guilt he felt for subjecting Derek to it when he had promised to keep him safe. It would be so easy to look Stiles in the eye and say he was ready for it, it was no big deal. But it would be a lie, a complete and total lie. It frustrated Derek to no end. Parrish was a hellhound, Stiles was a mage, fire was part of them and their alpha couldn't even deal with something so important to them, it made him feel impotent. Like a bad alpha and worse, like a terrible mate.<br/>
<br/>
It was just fire, the fear should be irrational, except... it wasn't. His family died because of fire, he had been repeatedly tortured with fire, died many times burned alive in Hell. Fire reminded him of blackened skin and burning flesh, the sound and stench of hair as it melted away, the screams of tormented throats, the heat of pain so deep it was like being boiled. Stiles reminded him of that. That part was irrational. That part wasn't true. Stiles' fire didn't hurt him, not like that, but he had seen it could hurt, he had been engulfed by it.<br/>
<br/>
His breathing hitched. Yeah, he wasn't ready, but he had to be. "We can do it, you need it."</p><p>"Yeah... but I'd rather not force it on you. I know how you feel about... fire. How you... fear it." <em>And me right now</em>, he thought. "Not that it'd manifest this time. We did the balancing quite a few times now, you know how it goes. I'm depleted and hurting and not healing this time. So yeah, I'd need to draw some from you to balance it out before another surge or quick buildup might happen in me," Stiles laid it all out, no sugarcoating, his voice sad and tired.</p><p>Derek fearing him made his soul and heart ache with more pain than what his physical body felt, but he didn't point that out. He wasn't strong enough to try and hide it from his mate. Derek would feel it similarly like Stiles felt the wolf's pain the day before and now the fear and near panic that was caused only from the mention of magic and the need to touch to do the balancing. Because yes, a mate not wanting to touch his other half was a painful thought.<br/>
<br/>
Stiles' appetite was lost on him and he was just staring at his half-eaten sandwich with a churning stomach. "I'm sorry. For... what I am. For having to do this. For causing these problems because of the Spark in me. I didn't mean any of this to happen. To make you... fear me. To constantly dreading that I might go dark. Because yeah, it was there in me again. That pull. That urge to kill that bastard for hurting you. And I hate myself more because of that. But I hate the idea of forcing you now even more," he whispered barely audible, his body sagged and reflecting the defeat he felt. He wanted to help Derek over his fear, but he couldn't. Didn't know how to help. If he could ever help in that. To get over the fact that his life was tied to the very same element that had caused him so much pain in the past.</p><p>They were in a very difficult situation. It was once again a reminder that they never had been ready for these kinds of bonds even though their compatibility had decided for them. Derek hadn't doubted his feelings for Stiles, not even once, but he had doubted their readiness to be together in this way. Their brokenness didn't balance itself out, if anything, it made it worse. In situations like these, they didn't have the healthy ground to fall back on. They only had their inexperience and trauma to guide them. Instead of Stiles feeling anchored by Derek, he had to deal with this mess. He had warned Stiles, told him that a life with Derek wasn't going to be sunshine and rainbows. They both had been too caught up in their feelings to approach it with logic, which they now paid the price for.<br/>
<br/>
"You won't go dark. That was the Nogitsune, not you. The darkness left is not you and you will go far, yes. You will have urges you will call dark but you won't ever turn into a darach." Was killing a life to protect another really that questionable? They weren't killers, they didn't enjoy killing, they did it when they had to. They enjoyed violence, there was a difference. "I know you. I don't fear you becoming her. I don't fear you." He took a deep breath. "I fear what your magic represents, the memories it brings. At the moment I can separate it." But not when it happened, he tried, he did. And he didn't want to be the one to make his mate suffer because his head was broken and had trouble dealing.<br/>
<br/>
"You are the way you are because of me, because I'm not the strong anchor you're supposed to be able to fall back on. This is not on you."<br/>
<br/>
Almost out of habit, Derek wanted to roll up his sleeve but he was only in underwear so he glanced at his arm stupidly before holding it out with the rune turned up. So he wasn't ready but it wasn't exactly forcing him if he chose to want to do it instead of letting the injured man hurt longer. It was a risk but the first time they had done it, he hadn't known what it was he said yes to and it went fine. "I want you to do it and no matter how it feels, keep going. I don't want to lose you because of my fear." It was a life or death situation soon enough if they didn't do this. The damage it would do was worry for later. "I love you, so..." he held up his arm in the right position.</p><p>"Love you too..." Stiles whispered only that and finally nodded, even if he didn't agree with everything Derek was saying. Because yes, there was a dark part in Stiles which had nothing to do with the Nogitsune. Maybe not even with the Nemeton's darkness. But he didn't comment on that. The situation was dark enough, no need to add more to Derek's worries and fears. It was enough that the fire in him triggered Derek's horrifying memories.<br/>
<br/>
Stiles was too tired and low both emotionally and energy-wise to argue. Derek offered his arm bravely despite the unease that came through the bonds. Maybe his mate was right and they weren't ready for this at all. Maybe never will.<br/>
<br/>
The runes lit up and started their usual burning when they touched and Stiles could feel the magic moving on its own. No need for a chanting or spell anymore. They were way beyond that at this point. He closed his eyes when the connection was set and reminded himself that he had to stay in control, to reluctantly tug on the reserved magic and some healing threads in his mate. The magic waited only for that and began washing through them like some warm waves. Not forcefully, more like a calm sea licking at the shore. Its amount was a lot less after using up so much to chase the enemy away, but it was working.<br/>
<br/>
The healing started slower than usual, though, probably because it's been at work to repair Derek's body. Stiles only opened his glowing eyes then to look at his mate, to check if it was okay, if he was okay from him tugging on those red threads he needed for his human body to heal.</p><p>It was familiar, the way the warm waves crawled over to Derek, barely more than a scorch since there wasn't much left, enough to connect them and reach for what it needed within Derek. It was almost too careful, as if it was sensing the unease happening and attempted to make the experience less connected. Or it was because the werewolf was busy keeping his eyes closed, his breathing under control and his heartbeat slow enough not to alarm Stiles. <em>This is fine, this is Stiles, this is needed, it is fine.</em> It was a mantra he kept repeating while tendrils connected with his healing and used some of it after a moment. Because his body was still healing, and it needed to divide its attention. Derek had to urge the healing to flow towards his mate because it was reluctant to do it.<br/>
<br/>
His healing wasn't Stiles' healing so it couldn't sense how badly the human body needed it, even though Derek knew it was important to let his mate take as much as he required. The intense usage of magic had done a number on the Spark so it was no wonder Stiles had been walking around like a zombie. A part of the alpha worried about the lack of protest which had been put up initially, the depressed vibes lingering there because the human had been too tired to even bother. That was on him, that was Derek's fault.<br/>
<br/>
Gritting his teeth, he was only more determined to make this work. They were connected, every freak out would be felt, every thought of fear would be noticed. So in his despair he started pushing it all towards Stiles, to give him his healing, to give him the magic that was left. Almost like he was pushing all of his jewelry to a robber to avoid getting shot. A 'take it and leave' kind of effort. It was wrong, it was so wrong so he immediately tried to apologize through their bond and giving more of himself.</p><p>Yeah, it was clear through the bonds that both of them were going around in circles again regarding self-blame. A "shocking" surprise. Even after everything it seemed they still couldn't step past that. It was... saddening. But not as much as the way Derek was on the brink of panicking and shoved the healing and magic at him, as if wanting to just get over with this quickly.<br/>
<br/>
It made Stiles shudder and his fingers flex on Derek's forearm. He felt the apologetic vibes nearly right after the strong wrongness and he nearly lost his already shot concentration. But quickly closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to more or less ground himself and control the fluctuation of both the magic and the healing. Getting lammed by them would cause more harm than good, and besides... Stiles didn't want to take too much from either. That would only fuck up the balance even more and make Derek feel sick. He had suffered enough already.<br/>
<br/>
So with that in mind, Stiles stomped down on the need to start crying – he could do that later perhaps – and did his duty: controlled the process. He didn't drag it out, though. The moment he felt he was going to be okay, he broke the connection and pulled back, rubbing at his still slightly glowing and burning rune. Other times he felt satisfied and grounded, literally in more balance. Now he just wasn't in physical pain anymore. Just some dull aches in his joints here and there. He could live with that until the next balancing, which will be to give back once the magic was too built up for his body to handle it – or from a possible surge the overuse might trigger in him. Hopefully neither would happen for a few days. He could feel that Derek wasn't fully healed yet and he hated the thought that with this he had slowed down the wolf's healing.<br/>
<br/>
"Thanks. This'll be enough for a while. Do you... want me to... change your bandages and treat your wounds with the balms?" he asked so very unsure and tempted to close off from Derek. Which he had sworn never to do. <em>Do you even want me to touch you</em>? He wanted to ask that, but it sat in his throat like a huge lump around which Stiles could barely swallow.<br/>
<br/>
They were probably acting stupid again. It was kinda their theme.</p><p>The balancing hadn't done much 'balancing', it had done what had been needed for Stiles to be mostly healed and to have some more energy from the magic Derek had. And when his mate pulled away, there was this sense of wrongness lingering, the scent of unshed tears and sadness coming from the human. It felt like Stiles wanted to hide, crawl into himself or flee being near Derek. These were all emotions the wolf didn't know how to react to, didn't know what the right way was when it all felt so incredibly off. Looking down at the food barely touched, he knew that focusing on tasks would be a good way to attempt some normalcy between them.<br/>
<br/>
They should talk about this, not let it fester between them like a badly healing wound but he had no idea how to even explain himself. He was being selfish and stupid, wanting to talk, to explain, to fix this between them and yet he was so busy thinking about the how that his throat closed off from words. Letting the silence linger between them for a little too long.</p><p>"Yeah, sounds good, I'll go get what we need." Because he had said Stiles shouldn't be up on his feet so much when he looked like death warmed over.<br/>
<br/>
It bought him time while he was shuffling over to the bedroom to get the jar and the packaged bandages from the nightstand. <em>Such an idiot</em>, Derek scolded himself, tempted to do it himself so he wouldn't be a problem to his mate, however he knew doing everything by himself would only increase the distance between them. He wasn't making that mistake again. They had been doing so well! The moving, the engagement, their relationship had soared and now a strange alpha strode in and ruined it. What was worse, Derek seemed good at continuing the destruction and it caused a wave of anger. He was so done with all of this, done with being a mess, done having to struggle with his soul back and the bouts of insanity it caused. Stiles deserved somebody better than him.<br/>
<br/>
<em>Pretty much why that alpha’s here, isn’t it?</em> No. He wasn't going to listen to that. Sighing deeply, he returned to Stiles, handing him the objects needed.</p><p>The quiet human pressed his eyes together when he felt that wave of anger in his mate. Not towards him but towards himself. He could tell the difference. And it only made Stiles feel guiltier.<br/>
<br/>
<em>I’m such an idiot. Stop it</em>, he scolded himself too. But it was easier said than done when that darkness was feeding on his insecurities and tiredness. He shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't try to close in on himself. He should be supportive, help Derek heal in a relatively calm environment, not add more stress to the situation. Or worsen the strain on their bonds.<br/>
<br/>
He sighed bitterly while waiting for his mate's return. He hated himself when he got like this. When he felt so out of control while the waves felt like clashing over his head. They had more pressing matters. They had to talk. Yet the always babbling Stilinski just couldn't find it in him to open his mouth. It was easier to sink deeper, to feel sorry for himself, for being angry at himself.<br/>
<br/>
<em>Step by step.<br/>
</em><br/>
He repeated that to hang on as much as he could in that moment. Maybe they just needed some rest. And the first step towards that will be helping Derek change the bandages and treat his wounds. He could do that. It should help. Hopefully. Unless his mate flinches away from his touch. <em>Damn, that fucking fear! Stop it already</em>, Stiles huffed to himself then took a few deep calming breaths just before the wolf returned.<br/>
<br/>
Opening his eyes, he waited for Derek to sit down next to him and he tentatively reached out with his hands to take the bandage off and inspect the wound and stitches.</p><p>There was no flinching happening, though Derek did keep a close eye on what was happening, which wasn't anything new. The predator in him always was on high alert, expecting the worse even in a harmless situation. The claw marks looked red and aggravated, the skin around the stitches puffy but the bandages were clean so to Derek that meant it was fine. Skin was never happy with stitches and moving around, it's why Derek dislikes them and would avoid them if he could. Wounds healed better without them but sometimes, like now, it was needed or it wouldn't heal at all.<br/>
<br/>
The wound on his leg though was nasty, the bandage had colored with fluids, infections happened. Sometimes it happened so it wasn't making the Hale too worried. It had to be the combination of a broken bone and dirt. This time he did flinch when the bandage was pulled off but that was more the discomfort of the infection and the pull than Stiles' hands on him. It smelled. Nothing romantic about werewolf healing, it was gory most of the time.<br/>
<br/>
"I don't like magical alphas." They certainly did bring more challenges with them, for all involved. This had been too easy, how long had the fight even lasted? Too short, too much damage. Werewolf fights were always brutal but this one had been completely unfair. And the other had known it from the start and yet hadn't even ripped Derek’s throat out.</p><p>Stiles was glad that in the end his touch wasn't unwanted and Derek let him undress and inspect the wounds. He apologized when the leg was revealed and that time he flinched too from the sight and smell, Stiles' eyes staying on the wounds.<br/>
<br/>
"The claw marks are healing well, given the circumstances. Just don't move around too much with the stitches, okay?" he asked but was more concerned about the leg's state. "This one though... Yeah, a bit infected. It'll need some cleaning and I just know the balm and potion for it. Be right back..." he mumbled, getting up easier after the balancing and his mind was distracted enough with the slight worry and the task at hand.<br/>
<br/>
Since he moved around easier now, it didn't take long for the emissary to get what he needed from the bathroom. He also made a mental note to restock on everything they used up from the emergency stash.<br/>
<br/>
"Drink this. It'll help on the inflammation and infection. It also helps you to heal the bone from the inside," he gave Derek a small black bottle containing a strong herb potion. Then he got to cleaning the wounds and smearing the cooling balms on them before bandaging them up again.<br/>
<br/>
"I don't like such alphas either," he finally sighed after his work was done and he was gathering up the used bandages. "We'll deal with that later. You need more bed rest with that leg and stitches," he looked up at Derek seriously.</p><p>Derek was going to remove the stupid stitches tomorrow, since in all likelihood, his body was irritated with having something in there it shouldn't have. Enough time for the body to heal most damage done. Sure, he wouldn't be up for a big fight until at least another two days but the hellhound had seemed very sure they were getting the time needed to heal. It wasn't the thing he was worried about, he was worried about the two of them together. Sleep meant nightmares, nightmares meant more guilty feelings and if the stupid leg wouldn't heal right, that meant more magic too.<br/>
<br/>
Taking the offered bottle, Derek sniffed it suspiciously, making a face. Why do these things never taste like anything people would want to drink? They always have to be foul smelling and taste like vomit because not even a stick of vanilla or a dash of cinnamon would make this brew any tastier. Something to suggest to Stiles someday to make his potions nicer. Exhaling, he downed the bottle in one go, waiting to actually inhale again after swallowing a few times. Yeaaaaah, they worked great but nothing refreshing about them. Carefully, he put the bottle down, knowing Stiles was going to use it again.<br/>
<br/>
"You need more bed rest. You look better but only slightly," the Alpha returned the serious look with one of his own because they could both use some more sleep. At least there was no demand made about using the magic on the leg. Honestly at this point Derek didn't want to say yes to it and that would give away how he felt even more. A brave face was needed, not a cowering idiot.</p><p>Yeah, Stiles knew that even without the bonds, he only had to look at Derek to know he wouldn't be able to take much more at the moment. Hence the reason he didn't offer to heal the leg with actual magic. He probably could've, but wisely resorted to the potions and balms instead.<br/>
<br/>
"Yeah, I know. I'm still very tired. I'll just clean up here then go back to bed. Meet you there?" he asked maybe a bit hopefully and shy as he glimpsed up at Derek.<br/>
<br/>
They were idiots for sure...<br/>
<br/>
He hated walking on eggshells around Derek. It frustrated him how they were back here again. Not square one, but close. Stiles just wanted to... sleep for a week, to get a break from all of this shit. To breathe a little. And no, he wasn't going to have a panic attack. It was just how he felt. He was probably too tired for that too. That's why for now he aborted the idea of going to the greenhouse to start brewing new potions, too.</p><p>At least Stiles wasn't going to put himself on the couch in this idea of sheltering Derek from having to be next to him, so there was progress between them since last time. Or Stiles was just too tired to deal with any of it and decided that sleep was something that they could do without making it worse between them. Hopefully. "Yeah, sounds good."<br/>
<br/>
Derek shuffled back to the bedroom, eyelids dropping already. Unknowingly he echoed his mate's thought about sleeping for a week because he felt like it. They were going to get to bed and probably coma sleep for another twelve hours at least. He really should have made Stiles eat more, because they had went a long time without food. There was a pause at the door, pondering if he should get the protein bars and energy drinks for Stiles, entertaining the thought for only a second. He'd get them next time he woke up.<br/>
<br/>
By the time he was settled in bed on his side of the large mattress, and his head hit the soft pillow with their mutual scent clinging to it, the Hale was half out of it. Not fully asleep though, he had to make sure Stiles was actually going to join him and not pass out half-way.</p><p>Stiles managed at least a small smile from Derek's agreement and felt a bit relieved and lighter. He wasn't too keen on sleeping on the couch, he preferred their bed and the closeness of his mate, even when there was some tension between them. Not to mention that they both seemed to heal faster around each other. It was a mate thing too.<br/>
<br/>
He watched Derek leave for the bedroom then finished with the cleaning, even managing to quickly eat the rest of his half-eaten sandwich now that his stomach wasn't protesting in that moment. It was a subconscious thing and Stiles knew he needed to eat more. His mate already thought he was too skinny again, even with all the food and regular work out Stiles tried to keep in his schedule.<br/>
<br/>
In the bedroom he felt the half-closed eyes following him as he closed the curtains tight and drank some water before taking off his T-shirt but left his Batman boxers on. He laid down next to his man with a soft groan.<br/>
<br/>
"Damn, this feels good..." he stretched out and yawned. He put his cover between his legs and turned on his side to face Derek without touching him, just watching the steady rise and fall of the strong chest.<br/>
<br/>
"I was so scared of losing you to him..." he said after a long pause. "Got so very angry." Hence his magical outburst. Stiles could only imagine what would happen if the situation was more serious. Or if Derek died. He probably would go berserk.</p><p>As soon as Stiles joined him in bed, Derek closed his eyes, but he wasn't asleep. He felt those curious eyes on him, the way he was being studied – they both did that frequently. "His claws didn't nick my intestines, he skillfully went for the most visible damage but as long as there's somebody close by to stitch it up, it's fine." Painful, yes, possibly deadly if it took too long for help to arrive, taking longer to heal. It seemed to be done with intent.<br/>
<br/>
"He took me down fast, and I can't help but feel it was never about me." But if that had been done to aggravate Stiles, to see what he'd do, then what would the next test entail? Killing Derek for real? And why even test them at all? To see if Stiles was going to be a worthy mate? Maybe that was the most upsetting thing about this all. The magic in the alpha had been strong and he knew that bonds could be transferred. Somebody strong was backing him up which meant he could simply take Stiles from him. Sure, Stiles wasn't going to die then, but he'd be stuck in a situation he didn't want while Derek would slowly perish due to a broken bond – if he wasn't killed before that.<br/>
<br/>
His eyes opened to slits so he could look at Stiles. "I will lose you to him if we don't figure this out." And there were going to be more coming. Derek was going to have to train harder, be better and stronger and faster.</p><p>"We will figure this out. I... can't lose you. I don't want anyone else but you..." Stiles whispered hoarsely as he buried himself more into his cover but reached out with his right hand to touch his fingertips against Derek's hand. His gaze fell on the now black engagement ring on his finger and swallowed hard, fighting with the burning of his eyes again. He sometimes got emotional and frustrated like this when he was overtired and didn't know what to do about a situation.<br/>
<br/>
"Yes... I’ve noticed that he could've gone for more damage, maybe even a killer blow in that moment..." he closed his eyes, even that thought making the lump bigger in his throat. "And we both know that this is all about me being a Spark. I'm the source of our problems, Derek. It's how he told us: he is just the first of many more to come to try to test us, tear us apart or try to even kill us. For power, for territory and whatnot..." he sighed bitterly, the whiskey-brown eyes looking at Derek with a deep sadness as a vague idea started forming in the Spark's mind.<br/>
<br/>
"I don't know what to do yet. But... as I said, we should talk to Tyr soon. And maybe you should start thinking about whom you had told such intimate details about your past. My first and obvious guess would be Peter, to be honest. But I might be wrong about this. We have to figure out who talked. The alpha sounded like he knew too many details about us. Especially you."</p><p>"They would have come anyways, the Nemeton attracts them no matter if there's a Spark or not." Derek didn't want Stiles to think this was all on him, but he had made it a lot more attractive to take on a Hale alpha. Especially if details about Derek's past were hanging out to dry like dirty laundry. It made him look weak, one of the many reasons it was supposed to be a secret, because werewolves weren't as sympathetic to such happenings. Men didn't get raped, they got put in place, and Derek used to be an easy target seduced by a pretty face.<br/>
<br/>
"Well yes, the Nemeton is obviously in the game too. But this is clearly me-related..." Stiles looked at their barely touching hands with a sigh. He wanted more contact, but didn't want to push his mate, so he pulled his hand back a few inches.<br/>
<br/>
"Peter knows, Scott knows about Kate in a way but I doubt he put together what happened with the darach, Cora knows, Marin knows." Derek sighed, thinking about the way the alpha had said it. He mocked what happened with Jennifer, something about the wording he used suggested though that he knew it had never been consensual, same as using ‘sweetie’. Kate's trauma had been something he had given a place, his fear of her was more an exasperation these days, she always finds ways to get to him. "Kate knows, she mocked me for it all the way to Mexico." Peter would be a good bet, the man had firmly believed the fire was Derek's fault but he had never mocked Derek about the darach, one of the many things they all simply didn't talk about.<br/>
<br/>
"He didn't mention Lucifer. If he wanted me to snap within a second, he would have said something about that. So Marin is out, she's been helping me at therapy. So that leaves Peter, Kate, Scott, you, Cora..." He couldn't think of anybody else. Noah had suspicions, but didn't get the full story. Lydia had never even thought to think about any of it since it didn't concern her. Isaac only knew about Jennifer and thought she had been a fling. Chris? No, he had no idea about the full extent of what Kate had done, for him the crime of setting the fire had been probably enough of a crime and he had no idea Derek had even been involved with Jennifer. This shouldn't even have gotten out at all.</p><p>"Maybe he doesn't know about Lucifer and Hell. Or he can hold back that information for now and try to trigger you with that in the future. You have to be prepared for that. Keep yourself in control, Derek. I don't want to see you get hurt like this again..." Stiles mumbled, staring at his ring, but not really seeing it as his tired mind was trying to fire up and think through each people in the know.<br/>
<br/>
"Peter and Kate are the most likely candidates, but I'm not sure. Do we even know anything about them nowadays? It's been a while since I've heard of them. Scott... no matter how... uncertain he might come off nowadays... I doubt he'd betray you like that. Same goes for Cora. She's your sister and even if she walks her own path, unless it was tortured out of her, wouldn't speak about such things. Besides, I think you'd know if she got into trouble because of you or us... And I'd die first before betraying you. I hope you know that, even if it wouldn't be too effective because you probably died soon after too," he said with a small shrug, finally looking up into Derek's half-open eyes.</p><p>Keep himself in control. Right. Of course Stiles had a good point, Derek was here in stitches because of his lack of control. He had let himself be pushed into his anger and he had lost control of the situation. The alpha knew how to get to him and would no doubt try it again. If he used the Lucifer knowledge, then they'd know who was the one who was telling things, but Derek couldn't promise control regarding that. He'd have to figure out a way to have it under control even if for a moment, long enough to not let himself be baited and have Stiles jump in to let Derek steam in anger.<br/>
<br/>
"Of course you're not a suspect in this, Stiles. You didn't even confront me with it for a long time, let alone others." Yeah, there had been a confrontation over it, back when they were fighting the alphas and Stiles had thrown it in his face right in front of Peter and Scott that Jennifer was the second psychopath he dated. It was from the worry for Stiles’ father, Derek hadn't taken it to heart, hadn't even reacted at the time. Stiles would use it, sure, but only in anger and only against Derek personally. "Cora and Scott won't either."<br/>
<br/>
As much as Cora would dislike him and had chosen her own way in South America, she wouldn't betray him, he knew that. "Last I talked to Kate was right before you and the FBI came to hunt me down, and she shot me in the gut. Repeatedly. Then wanted to put one in my head but Chris stopped her. So yeah, she would betray me. So would Peter if it would gain him something." The two were the most likely suspects. "Making sure my... past is something talked about among packs and other werewolves so alphas can come take me out because they consider me weak? Either one would do that."</p><p>Stiles sighed a bit relieved. He knew Derek wouldn't suspect him – he would simply just know if he betrayed him – but it was nice to hear it. Scratching at the sheet between them, he thought over the things Derek just said.<br/>
<br/>
"Yeah... I agree. That bitch and prick of an uncle would both do it without any hesitation. The former to mentally torture you some more, the latter for gaining something. Perhaps the alpha spark and territory which comes with it. I never liked or trusted him. That's why I always keep my guards up around that asshole, to be honest. And releasing this information about you... yeah, it would be a nice way to get you out of the way for either of them..." he huffed. "I give up for now. Can't think clearly enough. I feel like I haven't slept in days," he admitted, the tired buzzing in his head getting stronger as exhaustion was taking over.<br/>
<br/>
"We get back to this... Try to dig up stuff on those two. Where they might have been lately and such. Won't be easy because they're good at covering their tracks, but maybe for once we get lucky. And perhaps get some clues about this rival alpha too on which we can start our investigation. We have to learn as much about him as possible," he yawned.</p><p>Derek agreed on needing the rest, he couldn't think like this either, because the reasons why Kate or Peter would do it made sense, not the way it happened. What, they'd send around an email to dirty his name? Whisper in a few ears and hope for some gossip to be spread? What would they gain from all of this besides making Derek's life miserable without even being there to enjoy it? Gerard would use others, Kate was too impatient and too invested in him, she'd want to have her fun herself. She was all hands on. Too hands on. Frowning, he pushed it all out of his mind, not now, he didn't want to think about any of it right now.<br/>
<br/>
"He's our first focus. The attempt at damage control of the information leak can wait. It's too late now anyways. I will have to learn to handle the slurs we'll have to hear over time." If those taunts had no impact on him, then they would lose all control and he'd take his back. The werewolf sighed deeply, for the first time in a long while thinking about them running away and not dealing with all these problems. Beacon Hills was a cesspool of problems as always. But it was home, their home.<br/>
<br/>
"I promise I'll try to ignore the slurs too. Not because of me, but because I might lose my shit because they hurt you," Stiles promised. He hated it when Derek was hurting in any meaning. And now he had enough of pain from both the mental and physical kind for a while. Stiles knew that he could be easily triggered to rip a new hole to anyone who dared to hurt his mate. He kinda demonstrated that with the alpha too. "But yeah, you're right. We have to deal with this asshole of an alpha first."<br/>
<br/>
Lifting his arm to rub at his eyes, Derek tried to chase some of the fuzziness away. "That potion is making me sleepy," he grumbled and reached for Stiles to caress his cheek, almost knocking him in the face. "Are you going to sleep all the way over there?"</p><p>"Good. The potion is supposed to make you sleepy so the healing rest can come faster," he said then couldn't stop a small smile from the caress and the open invitation. "I wasn't sure..." he mumbled but cut himself off. He wasn't going to pass on an opportunity of a good nuzzling to his mate. Especially when his unsure and overtired self craved physical contact. To feel close and safe and warm, surrounded by his mate's familiar scent. So without another word he scooted over and wiggled under the same arm to rest his head on Derek's shoulder, inhaling his scent and warmth deeply. He dragged his cover with him, of course, and cocooned himself against the werewolf, careful to avoid the injuries.<br/>
<br/>
Once he was settled in, he sighed a bit more satisfied and less sad, the magic staying way in the background as a half-heard buzz or static, but it felt somewhat calmer too and didn't try to creep over Derek.</p><p>"Could have warned me," Derek protested but he should have known. Stiles wasn't above using something to knock him out to help his healing, knowing full well the Hale wasn't a very obedient patient when it came to healing. Mostly because he wasn't used to things taking forever, not even with alpha wounds which he had handled a lot over time.<br/>
<br/>
Stiles sidled up to him carefully and Derek gave into the pull of sleep immediately once the human was safe and secure next to him. This had only been the start of their talks but the hound had been right, their focus for now was on healing. Only after that could they work on how to deal with the alpha and then concern themselves with the rest of the problems which were going to happen in the future, maybe even in the near future.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 17: Relight My Fire - Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>17: Relight My Fire – Part 2</strong>
</p>
<p>Evening, night and morning had passed before the werewolf stirred, waking to having the human right next to him still. Stiles was sprawled out like a starfish, mouth a little open, snoring softly with some drool leaking out. Still very deeply asleep. If Stiles had been up before, Derek hadn't noticed. Stiffly he got up to have a repeat of yesterday where he took care of business in the bathroom and attempted to shake off some of the stiffness in his body. Listening closely for sounds, he turned on the shower and got rid of the bandages to inspect himself. Stomach was healing well, the skin had stopped looking so puffy and red. The leg though...<br/><br/>He made a face, the wound was going to need some cleaning out with all the infection in it, good thing he was about to take a shower. The next fifteen minutes Derek cleaned out the scratches until fresh blood was flowing before he cleaned the rest of him. Dutifully because he was mindful of Stiles, he applied bandages again after pulling on some clean underwear to make his way to the kitchen.<br/><br/>Food was needed, or more... ordering in was needed. The fridge didn't have anything that didn't require a lengthy time of cooking and no, Poptarts didn't count as food. All of the pamphlets for takeout were pinned on the fridge with magnets. He went for the one getting their strength up, the steak house. Derek ordered them a ton of food so they could put the rest in the fridge, promising extra money if they were willing to bring it all the way up to the loft with the elevator.</p>
<p>Coma sleeping through more than twelve hours was good for Stiles too. He only started stirring when it subconsciously registered in him that the source of the warmth was gone from next to him. He cracked one eye half-way open as he pulled his cover over him, cocooning in again and just let his mind slowly wake up while listening to the sounds in the loft. Derek taking his time in the shower (at this point he might have drifted off for a few minutes). Then moving around in the kitchen and finally talking on the phone to order food. And hopefully making coffee?<br/><br/>Stiles wasn't sure about that last part as he was lying there, only the top of his messy head and closed eyes sticking out from the warm cocoon. He was still so unwilling to move while his mind was slowly starting to work.<br/><br/>It was nice to sleep on Derek's side and his body felt less weary so some more healing had definitely happened from that closeness and the rest. Now the emissary carefully tugged at the bonds to focus on how Derek was feeling. That tension was still there between them, though maybe not as intense like before they fainted into sleep. And they had a lot to do today after eating. Not one part of Stiles wanted to do any of that. Especially not the soul-searching and quarreling part with Derek with all the self-blaming going around again.<br/><br/>His phone chimed on the nightstand, but he was too lazy to move a muscle to check it. Maybe his dad – and damn, he made him worry again. Or Jordan or Chris checking in. He didn't care. Nah, just a few more minutes to ignore everything in the world in the safety and warmth of his cover.</p>
<p>Derek could tell Stiles was awake because the breathing had changed, but besides some movement in the bed, he didn't hear the human get up. He was probably trying to get his body in gear after the many hours of sleep. There was that little checking up through their bonds. Stiles didn't realize that the alpha always felt the little pulls because it was a shift in energy. For Derek the bonds between them made him aware of the other constantly, also because of his chemo signals, and he was used to having pack bonds. It came easier, in a few years Stiles was going to be able to monitor Derek as easily as breathing.<br/><br/>The food was ordered so he made coffee, because it didn't matter what time of the day it was, they both needed their coffee to start it. And although he was pretty sure Stiles would emerge when he'd smell the coffee wafting through the loft, of course the Hale wasn't going to wait for that. Instead he switched out the pot for a mug, letting it fill before placing the pot back and added the needed sugar and milk.<br/><br/>The mug was brought to Stiles, letting the scent of it trickle into the bedroom as he put it on the nightstand.</p>
<p>"I got you your coffee. And food should be here in about thirty minutes. You look better." Stiles looked like a fuzzy cat with his hair standing up on all ends thanks to his tossing and turning.</p>
<p>"You look better too," he blinked up at Derek and wiggled around a bit like a burrito to be able to sit up with the cover still around him. He allowed only one hand out of the warmth to grab the mug and close it towards his mouth, inhaling the lovely scent deeply, even moaning a bit. "You're a life-saver. Thanks for the coffee," he added then took a sip, just enjoying the taste explode on his tongue and wash away most of his morning breath.<br/><br/>"Can't lure my mate out of bed without it." It was lightly teased since usually it was the other way around with Stiles being a morning person and Derek the resident grump needing his coffee before his brain was willing to work. But since he himself felt a little groggy too with the long sleeping they had done, coffee had seemed like a sure way for the both of them to look less bleary eyed. Stiles certainly needed some help with that. Sadly Derek forgot his own mug so he was going to have to wait a bit longer.<br/><br/>Stiles managed to smile behind his mug from that clearly exaggerated statement, because yes, it was usually the other way around. Although he loved some sleep-grumpy morning Derek for himself. Today was different, though.</p>
<p>After another sip, the sleepy cat looked at Derek over the brim of his mug. "What did you order?" he asked, examining his mate. He did look more healed and better and the fresh scent of a shower was lingering around him, so Stiles assumed his mate changed the bandages too. "How's the leg wound? Still infected?" There was worry in his voice. He didn't like it that the infection lasted this long. Maybe they should try a stronger potion and balm next.</p>
<p>"I got us steaks, fries, salads, mac and cheese, bread rolls... I think some more but honestly I was barely awake. Rattled off all I think of that would help us heal."<br/><br/>"I see even half-asleep you managed to instinctively order quite a few useful foods for us. I could eat some," he added after a moment or two of examining how he felt about food. Frankly, it'd be good for both of them and not just for the healing but also to replenish their strength.<br/><br/>Even if they both weren't hungry, they were going to eat because their bodies needed the fuel but Derek knew he'd eat, his stomach was empty and very interested in food. It was why he had ordered curly fries. There was no way the human was going to say no to his favorite food, they were his kryptonite.</p>
<p>Also steaks and meat in general were a good source for blood loss. Fries were carbs and salt, salad was for the vitamins and pasta helped load up on carbs as well. And since Stiles hadn't been that hungry yesterday thanks to Derek's insides on the outside, he didn't think the talk of wounds would be beneficial right now. The question was a little more detailed, harder to avoid answering because Derek was good at ducking an answer without lying about it. "I cleaned it out and put fresh bandages on, it's fine. And if you insist on taking a look, we'll do that after the food."<br/><br/>The Mexican food had been cleared out, probably Chris' doing since they hadn't put it in the fridge and no doubt had gone bad. Oh, that reminded Derek that he needed to send the work crew a notice that they could take a few days off, paid. To keep them safe, and give Derek time to make sure all of his blood was gone. Like the massive pool outside.</p>
<p>Drinking some more coffee, Stiles hummed. "Yeah, I might want to take a look later. I don't like that infection. And how are the stitches? Do you usually take them out or let them dissolve?" he asked curiously. It was a question he somehow always forgot to ask during the years.<br/><br/>"Oh, the stitches are fine. I only put the bandage on it because of the food. I'll pull them out this evening so the rest can heal too. Werewolf healing tends to heal around foreign objects with time and these won't dissolve." Werewolves were rarely able to go to hospitals due to the fact they weren't human at all. So most stitches came from thread ordered online.<br/><br/>Reaching out for his phone after Stiles finished his coffee in a couple of big gulps, he checked the message he had received. "Tyr's asking how we are since he heard what had happened from dad. And asks if he can help somehow or come over. I think he should once we ate and got ourselves together a bit. To clear the air with him. But... promise me you won't attack him. All we know is that they presumably fucked in the woods. It doesn't mean he knows much more about that asshole alpha..." Stiles glimpsed up at Derek with the cell still in his hand.</p>
<p>"It means he fucked a strange werewolf and didn't tell us there was one. I don't care what else he knows, that is already enough," Derek growled not amused, though it wasn't directed at Stiles. The fact his mate had to ask him not to attack the beta was telling even though that hadn't been on his mind. The stupid beta had a lot to learn and it was a big mistake yes, but Derek had dealt with much worse. To be fair, he had punished his betas in the past so...<br/><br/>"He can come over later, and you should let your dad check in." They were lucky the sheriff hadn't shown up yet with the way he must be worrying about his son who had been attacked. "After food, and after your shower." The human needed one badly.</p>
<p>"Well, I think you should care about what else he knows about this alpha because it could give us some leads to find out who the hell he is and who is backing him," Stiles shrugged, obviously being the voice of reason in this case, because yeah, they didn't even know the name of the alpha and had practically nothing to start digging up stuff about him. If they get lucky, he'll ping on some kind of a database.</p>
<p>Obviously Derek cared what else Tyr knew but the sleeping with a strange wolf without letting them know was enough to lose trust. It wasn't that he wasn't going to ask Tyr anything, but he was too tired to even correct Stiles on it. Whatever the beta knew about the alpha, they'd hear it when he was here. It’s hard to make a decision based on what an enemy told them so he didn't want to think about it too much, he'd have an angry opinion.</p>
<p>"Even a name would be useful. Otherwise yes, I don't like it either that he had failed to mention that to us as a candidate wanting to win our trust and a position in our pack," Stiles said while quickly typing an answer to the beta to come over in a few hours then put his phone back on the nightstand.<br/><br/>Stiles sighed, nodding. "Yeah, I should at least call dad and let him come over if he insists..." He knew how worried the sheriff could get over his only son, but there was no surprise there. He was a good dad, after all. And Stiles felt a bit sorry that he was blessed (or cursed?) with a son like him instead of an average one who wouldn't put grey in his hair faster than necessary.<br/><br/>"I should try to strengthen the wards too. Maybe put up a few new ones as well. I'll see how I'll be magic-wise for that," he glimpsed to the side, gathering his strength and willingness to take that shower. And for once not asking Derek outraged if he stunk or something.</p>
<p>The 'angry' doorbell rang, Beth had named it that because the sound was shrill and loud, signaling there was somebody downstairs. "Saved by the bell. You up for eating at the table or should I bring some here?"</p>
<p>"Table's fine..." Stiles mumbled.</p>
<p>Come to think of it, where the hell was Derek’s wallet? And he should probably wear more than his underwear so he was quick to wrestle into some sweatpants while looking around for his wallet. The clothes he had worn during the attack were ruined and probably in the trash but where had Chris put his wallet? Sighing, he gave up on looking for it, there was always some money at the loft so he used the 'emergency' stash from the little jar on a side table near the door.<br/><br/>Which was good timing since the 'nice' doorbell rang, the one installed outside the metal loft door to encourage people not to walk in like they owned the place.<br/><br/>"Hi. Delivery for Hale?" the young man stammered, caught off-guard from being greeted by a half-naked man. They really should get used to it.<br/><br/>"Thanks for bringing it up, I had a little accident so..." Derek motioned to himself, unknowingly only bringing more attention to his torso and making the guy blush even more as his eyes roamed.<br/><br/>"I can take it inside for you, it's really no problem," the hopeful man tried as Derek glanced at the ticket on top of the boxes to see how much he owed and adding a royal extra for bringing it up.<br/><br/>"That's okay," Derek handed over the money and took the boxes and bags of food. Yeah, he really had ordered half-awake. Closing the door before the man could say more, the oblivious alpha took it all to the kitchen.</p>
<p>Meanwhile Stiles got out of the bed, switching the cover around him to a thinner but warm blanket and wrapped it around himself like a tent. He just glimpsed at the furiously blushing delivery boy and rolled his eyes as he shuffled towards the kitchen.<br/><br/>"He totally had the hots for you," the druid grumbled half-pouting, half-amused. "Wallet's on your nightstand," he informed Derek as if reading his mind earlier. He walked to the coffeemaker and poured another mug for himself before settling on his usual chair, helping Derek pack out all the food.<br/><br/>Until a plate and utensils appeared in front of him, he cradled his mug and took small sips from his coffee, drinking in the sight and trying to decide which food he was in the mood for.<br/><br/>"What? The kid?" Derek dismissed the notion of the delivery guy having the hots for him because all those kinds of attractions were nothing but lust at first sight. Come to think of it, he had probably offered to come inside to get into his pants. As if Derek was such an easy lay. Not even if he had been single would he ever accept such blatant offers. Besides, he had eyes only for the crazy blanket burrito in front of him at the table. He had grabbed plates and utensils as Stiles unpacked the last of all the food.<br/><br/>"You do love and care for me..." the human burrito sighed in a slightly better mood when he spotted the curly fries and stake, his stomach making an excited grumbling sound. Okay, yeah, he was going to be able to eat, it seemed. Putting the mug down, he shrugged out of the blanket enough to reach for the food and put it on his plate before digging in.</p>
<p>As expected, the sight of the curly fries made Stiles feel a whole lot better, making the Hale smile. Yeah, he knew his guy and what he liked. "Don't sound so surprised. I know your likes." Derek opened his Styrofoam box with a steak in it, normal fries added for his and of course mayonnaise because ever since he had gone to Europe, he had developed a liking for dipping his fries into it. First the meat though, medium for him, well-done for Stiles. The meat was tender and had the right amount of pinking to it, so he hummed content when he got the first bite in his mouth.<br/><br/>"Yeah, the kid. You know, I know that you are blissfully oblivious to flirting from other men and women, but dude, you just don't have any idea how many times it happens. And how often I didn't throw a jealousy fit or got allll territorial," Stiles shrugged with a tiny smile. Still half-amused and half-annoyed by that. "Not that it's your fault that you are one hot piece of a man... MY man..." Stiles huffed and stuffed his mouth with some fries, moaning because they were perfect. Yes, his man knew his likes very much. In all meaning. Not just the curly fries and well-done steak.<br/><br/>Derek knew how to flirt, knew how to get the attention needed but when it came to being flirted with... Yeah, Derek was too used to ignore it, give them one inch and they'd try to take it all. He smelled it on them, the attraction, if they were aroused enough but that first moment, the build up? Not something he was looking for, especially not now. The Hale had all he needed with Stiles, so his attention for others wasn't as honed in as Stiles' was. "Get all jealous and territorial if you want, I don't care about them." And the thought of having a mate get all possessive wasn't something he was against. "I'll probably drag you off for sex if you do get that way." As if that warning wasn't just extra motivation.<br/><br/>Derek got a lot of attention yeah, he knew a lot of people saw his looks and his body and stopped to think beyond the beauty. As if his skin mattered only. The problem was that they were more forward than the ones Stiles attracted. Except for the latest alpha. Most were shy teen girls or shy boys, younger crowds who saw Stiles’ beauty and cuteness and energetic personality and were more careful to approach. With Derek they often felt like they had to do extra to attract the seemingly all alpha male, resulting in the hands on approach and the attention that he actually hated.</p>
<p>"Oh, I know..." Stiles grinned, a tiny bit better from that statement of being dragged off to have sex. Of course, he knew how being possessive affected his mate. Hell, he had already benefited from it once or twice before. And Stiles loved how keen Derek was to bottom for him in such cases. It always added some extra to the sex during those occasions – for both of them.<br/><br/>The younger man could spot someone flirting with him, sure. But not always either. Besides, he rarely was interested before the whole bonding thing happened. Sure, he was experienced sexually, but he rarely invested into such 'relationships' emotionally. He usually just went for having fun with the other. But of course Derek had changed all of that for him. Even before they were together. Stiles often wondered if it was his pining for Derek that had stopped him from getting too involved in his former flings. Probably.</p>
<p>The more he shoveled into his mouth, the hungrier he felt so Stiles knew it was going to take a while until both of them ate their fill. Which was good, because their bodies needed the sustenance.<br/><br/>Derek wasn't just hungry, he was starving and his intestines had already worked when he woke up so his body was back in business as usual. Which meant food. "How are you feeling? Besides groggy from coma sleeping."</p>
<p>"Besides that... a bit dizzy and down," Stiles answered with his cheek bulging from the food and shrugged again. There was no reason to try to hide something Derek would feel through their connection. "But also a bit better from the sleep and balancing. The magic is already building up, though. I can feel it. In a couple of days we'll have to balance again," he said, making sure to stick his gaze to the steak he was cutting with maybe a bit more force than necessary.</p>
<p>The topic of magic came up again, and he knew Stiles wanted to be careful with him and it was starting to become an issue. "I will get used to it again, so whatever you need. The spell you did asked a lot from you so it might be building up a lot for now."</p>
<p>Popping another bite of meat into his mouth, Stiles used that and chewing as an excuse not to answer right away. Even if they both knew that he could talk with his mouth full too. Yes, magic was a touchy subject right now and Stiles was quite lost in how to approach it without pushing or triggering his pair.<br/><br/>"Yeah... after such a massive magic use, a surge is probably going to come sooner rather than later," he sighed while munching on a curly fry, his whiskey-colored eyes (yeah, now he concentrated more on keeping them that color) glimpsing up at Derek.</p>
<p>Oh great, a freaking surge. That wasn't something the Hale was too happy with happening, but maybe if they didn't let the magic build up too much and balanced more often, they could avoid it. With the way Stiles looked like a kicked puppy, he doubted it was going to work in their favor but they could try. They were going to try.<br/><br/>Cutting a piece of his steak, he chewed while thinking on it, spearing a fry on his fork because he was one of those strange people who liked to use a fork on fries. "If the surge happens while we're having sex, it might be less of a freak out for me." Sex between them was always good, it would keep his mind busy with pleasure and it might even rewire the brain to start connecting good things to Stiles' magic. The question was more if they had the time for it to take it that slow. Stiles was going to need to be at his best and they couldn't afford Derek letting himself be lured into another attack.<br/><br/>There was never enough time. For anything.<br/><br/>This surviving had been fine when there hadn't been a family, a pack, a mate. Now it was starting to wear on Derek’s nerves, the way they had so little time to do anything... normal. Go watch a movie, have dinner, visit stupid theme parks and annoying markets filled with people. Things a couple would do together. Almost angrily he stabbed at his food, emptying the box of fries and steak without even realizing it until his fork hit nothing. And he was still hungry! Riffling through it all, he discovered a box filled with spaghetti and meatballs. So he got some of that, leaving half for Stiles.</p>
<p>For a while Stiles silently watched his mate get lost in his food and emotions. He felt the lingering annoyance and near anger, thinking that it was because of needing to deal with a possible surge and more balancing and all of a sudden the food in the druid's mouth lost its taste and turned into ash. He struggled to swallow it down then rather drank some water to keep it all down too.<br/><br/>"Yeah, that might help..." Stiles mumbled, his shoulders hunching a bit more forward, knife and fork in hand but he was just staring at his nearly empty plate. "Though I can't exactly control when it happens..." he said barely audible. He wanted to drop the utensils and pull the blanket back over his shoulders to hide in that warm cocoon again. He knew it was stupid. That it wouldn't protect him from anything, really. Or do any good to kinda pull back and close into himself, but he was already kinda doing that.</p>
<p>Derek didn't understand the feelings from Stiles, the complete turnaround when they had been managing so well for now. "I know. And maybe it would be better if it's soon so you'll have more strength. I can't train myself to get stronger in the short time we have and I'm not very useful when it comes to a magical alpha." All Derek could help to do, if it was needed, was to slow the alpha down enough to buy his mate some time. And to buy him time and give him more, Derek was going to need to be brimming with magic so it could be used.<br/><br/>"We might have to... build up our tolerance for it." It seemed to be the best plan of defense even though it was pretty much the scariest solution to have to handle. But he was not going to let them be killed, or worse, let Stiles be reduced to a life with somebody else he didn't pick, simply because his alpha was too scared to man up and help his mate. Derek wasn't going to be the one to be the hero in this, Stiles was. And his job was to make sure the human was as ready for it as possible.<br/><br/>Maybe that was why Stiles was feeling worse, the idea of forcing Derek into it. Even though it was the choice of the alpha. "Stiles, if our roles were reversed, you'd do it for me too."</p>
<p>Looking up to that with a deep sadness in Stiles' eyes, he sighed bitterly. "That's true. I would. But you fear me right now. I'm not sure I can see us do any building up the tolerance for it when even the mention of magic makes you cringe and flinch. I should've never dabbled in this shit..." he grumbled, finally putting his knife and fork down and leaning back in his chair to stare out of the window, lost in thoughts, cool hands back under the blanket. He felt cold and kinda detached from everything, especially himself.<br/><br/>Which was very much not like Stiles, who usually was the first to come up with a plan to save a situation or the town itself. Now his mind was numb and blank.<br/><br/>"I should go take a shower and get ready for Tyr's arrival," he said after a while, not looking away from the window. But he didn't move just yet. He had to collect his strength first. Of which he felt drained, even with the balancing they did earlier.</p>
<p>"I'm fine, I can deal with magic. I knew what you were when we started this. This is a setback but not a permanent one." Derek wanted to ask for time, for Stiles to not give up on them because of this problem but the human was so depressed and... cold. And asking for more time would only put more guilt on those struggling shoulders. Maybe he should find a way to block this stupid fear so they could get on with their lives. Stiles didn't deserve this. He knew someone who was good at messing with minds, she'd be able to remove it permanently. "We can... we can do a ritual later and I'll prove it to you."<br/><br/>Throwing a worried look at Stiles, Derek started cleaning up the food. At least they both had eaten, even though the human hadn't even finished his. It was better than nothing. "If you're too tired, you can get some more rest and I can talk to Tyr." They were close but they both felt like miles away and he didn't know how to fix this. The more Derek tried, the worse it seemed to get, which was par for the course when it came to him. That’s why he preferred not to talk much since it rarely solved anything.<br/><br/>"I can take you to the bedroom if you need some help." He didn't dare to touch the Spark without asking since everything in his behavior said 'do not touch'.</p>
<p>Stiles sighed again. He appreciated Derek trying, he really did. "Yeah, maybe later..." he half-agreed to the ritual, but he didn't really believe that was going to happen. Instead he got up with the blanket around him and stepped to Derek to press a soft kiss to his cheek. "It's okay. I'll be fine. You finish putting the stuff into the fridge and I take a warm shower," he whispered. "I want to be there during the talk with Tyr. I can rest afterwards," he shrugged. Because yes, it was better if he was there. The two of them might get more information out of the wolf than Derek alone. Stiles wasn't sure his pair wasn't going to snap at the other wolf. Not because he was a bad alpha, but because this situation hit too close to home for him with that other alpha's comments and actions and clearly targeting Stiles.<br/><br/>With that, the young man shuffled out of the kitchen, holding the blanket around his body a bit tighter. He hated to feel so lethargic, but couldn't help it. Not yet. After the talk with Tyr, he wasn't going to rest, he already knew. He had a lot of research and work ahead for sure to see if his idea might work or not to put an end to all this.</p>
<p>Nothing about this seemed okay or fine, but since Derek was very good at being the same way, he watched Stiles shuffle over to the bathroom. His head throbbed, which was usually a sign of a trigger moment but he pushed it away, angry at himself for being so weak. If he could have handled being in Hell better, then none of this would even be an issue and Stiles wouldn't be so distant out of fear of triggering Derek's fear. And fear was a lack of courage to face his problems. It was messing everything up, everything.<br/><br/>Quietly the Hale cleaned up the table, putting all the food in the fridge, and poured himself a mug of coffee. He took it over to the windows to stare out, seeing it was raining. Great, it matched their moods and it would wash away the blood outside. He felt numb, impotent, a failure. Life wasn't easy, he knew that all too well and he wasn't going to ever give up. But sometimes it felt like each time he tried to stand up, he'd be kicked down or maybe the problem was that he never really got up anymore and was just crawling his way through life.<br/><br/>Peter had always called him weak, but Derek had never agreed to it. Maybe he should.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 17: Relight My Fire - Part 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>17: Relight My Fire – Part 3</strong>
</p><p>The shower did make Stiles feel a little cleaner, but just physically. It also resulted in some bruises on his right hand's knuckles when he hit the tiles a few times in his frustration, because yeah, he could do such stupid things too. But he needed some release, to feel some pain to... feel something aside the lethargy and sadness. It worked for only a few minutes, though.<br/><br/>He said nothing about it to Derek, because what was the point? He'd either just stare at him with disapproval or try to lecture him or pull the pain away with his touch. So yeah, the bruises stayed along with the light throbbing each time he moved his hand, but he didn't care. Didn't care about the fact either that his mate had noticed them – along with Tyr.<br/><br/>The beta was sitting opposite him by the cleaned table as Stiles was drinking some herb tea for his fried nerves. The big blue eyes were blinking at them, the shoulder-long hair damp from the rain outside, a mug of steaming tea in front of him too.<br/><br/>The silence after Stiles' summary about what had happened was deafening. Tyr was all caught up with what went down with the other alpha and perhaps felt that the noose was kinda tightening around his neck.<br/><br/>"We need information about that alpha. You had slept with him a few times as he pointed out," Stiles said on a mostly neutral voice. He had no desire to do this conversation, but they had to. "You never told us about that, though... Either way. Do you know his name? Or anything we could use to learn more about him?"</p><p>He was going to get kicked out of the pack, Tyr knew it, since he hadn't even been part of it. They weren't happy with him and he wasn't going to make fucking excuses about it. If he had figured it was something he was supposed to tell them, he would have. Alphas fought, it's what they did so why was this even a problem? It wasn't that hard to imagine that Zepar had torn into Derek like the beast that he was. He was older and stronger and had weight and height on the scowling alpha, who was leaning against the kitchen counter with his arm crossed, face unreadable.</p><p>The moment Tyr had gotten to the loft he knew something was fucking wrong because there was so much tension that he wanted to run right back out.</p><p>"Yeah we had sex together and it was great but it's not like there was a fucking romance happening. It was sex. He wasn't looking for more, he made that clear," Tyr rubbed at his forehead because there hadn't been much talking happening between them so he tried to remember anything that would help them.<br/><br/>"I called him alpha mostly but at our first meeting he said his name was Zepar. He once said his pack life was complicated. That's all I know, I fucking swear."</p><p>Derek felt out of sorts, making it hard to focus on what was going on even though he knew this was important. Stiles was pulling away from him, the bruised knuckles and the way they were handled were proof of that. There had been that empty sullen look thrown his way, daring him to say something about it because it didn't matter anyways. As if Derek was going to handle it wrong and was expecting them to get into a fight. And the more the human was pulling away, the less the Hale knew how to fix this.<br/><br/>"And you didn't think telling us about an alpha was important? You heard us worrying about a brown wolf and you kept quiet."<br/><br/>"I thought you had fucking smelled him! I didn't even know he was a full shifter!" Tyr threw back at Derek, and that shut the alpha up. Yeah, normally he would have been able to sense it or smell it but maybe this... Zepar didn't hide it from Tyr. There was no way of knowing and that's what the whole problem was. Derek didn't trust this beta, he wanted to, the young one needed guidance and help since he wasn't ready to be part of the human world. But at the moment he didn't even want his daughter around this one. He wasn't lying, that didn't mean he was telling the truth, though.<br/><br/>"I don't know what to believe, Tyr."</p><p>Stiles stayed silent while the wolves were bickering. He rubbed his forehead, looking more tired than before. Finally he sighed and looked up at Tyr. He could understand why his mate had said that and was kinda with him on this.<br/><br/>"He masked his scent and presence. He is protected by powerful magic. So we know there's a strong druid behind him. We have to figure out who this Zepar guy is and maybe we'll have luck to learn something about his ally too," Stiles explained. "He is a big threat to our pack so we are on edge. He nearly gutted Derek and I had to conjure a considerable amount of magic to chase him away. He most likely came here to tear me away from Derek. I'm not sure you understand how serious that is for us..." he paused, his eyes somewhat understanding but at the same time serious too.<br/><br/>"You're a good guy, Tyr. It's just... so very complicated at the moment. Please, try to understand our point of view too. Why our trust in you is kinda shaken at the moment. We are... not in the best mind-space right now."</p><p>They didn't outright say it but Tyr knew what they were trying to say. And it wasn't... that surprising. It wasn't like anybody wanted him around. It wasn't like he was expecting to find a pack. Tyr had been hoping to be taught how to shift back so he could go back to where he had been all those years, live as a wolf because living in this way was so much harder. The sex was great, he'd miss that but it wasn't enough to want to keep being humanoid. Lowering his eyes, he sighed.<br/><br/>"Yeah, I get it, I'll grab my things." There were no more words needed, it was all said without it being said. The two got attacked by the alpha he had been fucking and because he hadn't said anything, they didn't trust him. And Tyr wasn't going to beg for a place to stay.</p><p>Before they could say anything, he bolted upstairs to start packing, not taking the clothes that were bought for him, only the stuff he had when he got here. It wasn't much, it was only a backpack full because he didn't need much. He'd steal clothes if his were too worn and he can get food from trashcans. Life on the streets wasn't complicated. It sure was fucking easier than being part of a pack.<br/><br/>Brushing at his eyes, he refused to let tears fall, because he wasn't going to be crying about this. There were a few things of his at the sheriff's house so he'd grab those too and say goodbye to the kiddo. When he got back downstairs, there was money handed to him by the alpha which he gave back.<br/><br/>"I don't need it, thanks. I'll catch the bus to San Francisco. Big cities are easier."</p><p>Easier to live on the streets. Tyr didn't say it but that's what he meant, they were kicking the beta to the streets. Derek didn't know what else to offer instead of money. He would have made some phone calls to see if there was a place for Tyr to go but the younger man was so quick to pack his bags. "At least stay in a motel. I can see if there's somebody willing to take you."<br/><br/>"Dude, I'm not a child. I've been on my own. It's better this way, I don't think pack life's for me, too many rules. Thanks, for everything. There's a guy in Kansas who was nice and might be willing to let me shack up for a while so I'm fine. I'd hug you both but you two look like you might fall over or bite my head off so…" The beta mock saluted and was out of their lives as abruptly as he got into it.<br/><br/>It left Derek feeling like an asshole, like when he had kicked Isaac out – even if that was for his own good. And this was for their own good. That didn't make it okay, nothing about any of this was okay. In all likelihood, Tyr was going to run straight to the alpha and then they'd know they had been right all along. At least they had a first name. It was something to go on, it was something.</p><p>Stiles so wanted to get up, to go after Tyr to stop him from going upstairs, to stop him from leaving. Instead he was sitting there frozen, gaze fixed on the table top as he was swallowing hard, his bruised knuckles turning white around his half-empty mug of tea.<br/><br/>And then the elevator took the beta downstairs and was out of their lives like the whirlwind he was...<br/><br/>Stiles was still sitting there, now guilt-ridden, angry, disappointed and even colder. The world felt like falling apart around him. The waves crashed over his head again and he had no ground under his feet, no strong arms to fall back into. Or at least it felt that way as darkness was closing in on him even more.<br/><br/>The silence was heavy, the air getting charged with static as his magic stirred inside.<br/><br/>Then his Captain America mug smashed against the closest metal supporting beam with a loud clash, the remaining tea running down towards the floor. For a second he just stared at the stain and the pieces of his mug. He didn't remember standing up, but he was. He threw the mug, it wasn't his magic. His fingers itched to flip the table, to destroy more things, to release some of the bitter helplessness and tension.<br/><br/>Instead he started moving towards the stairs, grabbing his laptop from one of the couches in the living room. "I'll be upstairs in the greenhouse to research that son of a bitch," he gritted through his teeth.</p><p>In the greenhouse. It was the biggest middle finger Stiles could throw at Derek because it was spelled to keep it inaccessible to others. Mostly to keep them safe because of all the poison the small house had, and because Stiles needed his own little safe place where he could hole up so the Hale hadn't protested back then. Now he felt that maybe he should have because his mate was going to be somewhere he couldn't be. The human obviously needed time alone so not a protest left the wolf’s lips, he didn't say anything at all. There was a glance to the door where the beta had left, then to the stairs where Stiles had disappeared up to.<br/><br/>The mug was beyond repair, it ended up in the trash and the tea was cleaned up, to give Derek something to do. Which wasn't even ten minutes in total. Derek lingered in the kitchen for a moment, unsure and feeling useless. His restless pacing took him to the bathroom where he removed his stitches and threw the bandages away, air was always better for a nearly healed wound anyways. There was more restless pacing, back to the window to look at the rain, then back to the kitchen even though nothing helped the feelings inside.<br/><br/>The emotions of feeling angry and having no control over anything anymore as it was all falling apart around him were familiar. How often had he stared at the window as he brooded over everything? Perfecting the art of doing nothing, like Isaac had sneered at him years ago. Yeah, he was a master at it by now. What could he do? Research was Stiles' department and looking for the alpha by himself was stupid, it would endanger everybody, no matter how badly he wanted to unleash his anger on him. Going to visit Beth by himself would leave him open for an attack and maybe draw the alpha to the Stilinski home so yeah, he really was useless at the moment.<br/><br/>After more pacing, he decided to slowly work out, get his body back in shape was a priority. And the pain of pushing his body was a welcomed distraction, pain he blocked from Stiles. Only the pain. Some things were his own and didn't need to be shared.</p><p>***</p><p>Stiles spent hours up in the greenhouse. His emotions were like a roller-coaster ride. Up and down, up and down. The anger and frustration and desperation coming and going, but he tried to focus his tired and overworking mind on the research. What he found out about this Zepar guy with some help from Deaton over the phone was nothing good regarding their situation.<br/><br/>It was already dark outside, the rain picking up again as Stiles leaned back in his chair and rubbed his slightly trembling hands over his face and burning eyes.<br/><br/>He has to gather his strength and go down to the loft to tell Derek the little but crucial information he had managed to gather about the alpha. But he was stalling still, because he had to make sure that he could look at Derek without any anger or blame in his eyes for letting Tyr go like that. He was just as much to be blamed, he knew. He should have stopped the poor beta who looked like a kicked puppy at the verge of tears. They had promised Tyr to help him find his way in the human world and now because of this fucked up situation he was back on the streets in this awful weather, probably already soaked to the bone, eating from dumpsters...<br/><br/>These thoughts made Stiles' eyes water up again and he wiped the tears angrily away. They'll have to fix this. Even if as the alpha of their pack Derek wasn't going to do anything about it, Stiles felt obliged to right this wrong. Sure, their trust in Tyr was shaken for sleeping with the enemy alpha and not thinking that mentioning something like that was important, but the guy didn't deserve to be kicked out onto the curb like an unwanted dog... For that he was angry both at Derek and himself.<br/><br/>Then he took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes. The other topic he talked about with Deaton was even more painful for him. Good thing that he temporarily spelled the greenhouse against eavesdropping too. So even if Derek tried, some conversations between the two druids could stay private. It was a useful little spell, indeed. Because if Derek knew about this... well, he'd probably go ballistic or something.<br/><br/>But Stiles saw this as the only way to deal with the problem that he became as a Spark.</p><p>***</p><p>
  <em>"What is it, Stiles?" Deaton asked after a heavy silence on the phone once they finished discussing the alpha. The druid knew something was up. Stiles was unusually quiet and was hesitating about something.<br/><br/>"Is there a way to lock a Spark's magic away?" he finally asked on a quiet voice.<br/><br/>There was dead silence on the other end of the line for a good minute before Deaton probably came over the shock and tried to see behind that question. "It is possible, yes. But it is not the solution, Stiles," he said carefully.<br/><br/>"Why not? All this shit is happening because of me!" he started pacing, looking out through the glass at the angry grey skies, which reflected his mood. Maybe he was causing that too. He didn't know anymore. He and the magic were restless enough for that to be an option. "If I hadn't dabbled in magic... if I didn't insist on you to train me... I shouldn't have."<br/><br/>"It is not how it works, Stiles..." Deaton warned.<br/><br/>"I don't care. Zepar said it too. He's just the first to come. There will be more challengers and problems because of what I am. And now of all people... Derek fears me too..."<br/><br/>"But it'd mean to lock away... to sacrifice a big part of who you are..."<br/><br/>"I know."<br/><br/>"Are you sure? Absolutely sure? You should give this some more thought and time," Deaton warned again. "It cannot be undone once that rune gets tattooed into your skin during the ritual. And you'll have to want it with all your being for it to work." Otherwise many druids would've probably been stripped from their powers during war time.<br/><br/>Stiles took a deep shaky breath and nodded – not that the other druid could see that. No, he wasn't sure, but it was something he had to do. Even if it made his magic restless and... disapproving. "If it means I can keep Derek and my family safe, it's worth it..."<br/><br/>"Very well..." Deaton said after another long pause. "I'll look into this more and we talk about it again."<br/><br/>"And soon. If there's no magic, there's no challenge, no reason for them to want to take a human mate away."<br/><br/>"That's not true and you know it. They could still use you against Derek."<br/><br/>"Yeah... well, but not for the magic. I've been a human among supernatural creatures enough not to rely just on magic."<br/><br/>"True. But it will take some time to examine all the aspects. Your emissary and mate bonds complicate things, not to mention the magical wall in Derek's mind. We can't rush this for both your sake."<br/><br/>"Fine... I want him to be okay. Will the wall hold?"<br/><br/>"With the remaining magic in him? Yes. For quite a while. Then my sister and I can renew it and keep it up as long as it is necessary for Derek to deal with the rest of his trauma. We needed you as a catalyst only at the beginning to make the wall strong."<br/><br/>"Good... That's all I want. To keep him safe."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I understand. But I'm not thrilled about this decision, Stiles. There are other ways..."<br/><br/>"No. I want to do this. It'll be better for everyone on the long-run. And don't tell Derek."<br/><br/>"Alright. I disagree, but I'll help."<br/><br/>"Thanks, Doc. Keep in touch..." he said then ended the call. This time it was Stiles who didn't say goodbye.</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>His tears after that call were long dried. He sobbed for a good half an hour afterwards before he returned to his research about the alpha. Now that the decision was made, he just felt... empty. Like a shell of himself. Was this how Derek felt after losing half of his soul? No, he was probably worse off. How silly of him to try to compare this to something like that! He shouldn't be so fucking selfish... Instead he should steel himself for his ultimate sacrifice for what he and Derek have. The wolf had warned him that being with him wasn't going to be easy. It was true. But... despite all, it was still the most important thing in Stiles' life. He didn't want to lose his man. Didn't want him to get hurt like this or worse because of him! Because of what he is...<br/><br/>With a bitter sigh he switched his laptop off and left it on his worktable. He didn't find anything online anyway. Instead he grabbed an old book on the history of werewolf packs with a few sticky notes sticking out from between the pages and walked outside into the rain to cross the roof. This wasn't going to be easy...</p><p>When Stiles emerged, Derek had just came in as well, jeans and shirt completely soaked as if he had taken a shower with his clothes on. He tossed his keys in the bowl, because apparently a key bowl near the door was something they needed although he had to admit, with Stiles using the Camaro as well, it saved them from some constant key searching. Rain water was dripping on the floor as the human dragged himself down the circular stairs, just as a flash of lightning tore across the sky as if to illuminate their moods. The younger man's eyes were red-rimmed and puffy and he was too carefully composed for the spaz he normally was.<br/><br/>Derek had gone out when after a few hours Stiles had still been up there. After working out and more pacing, he had realized that doing nothing wasn't something he was good at, even though it may seem that way to others. The wolf paused briefly to rake his eyes over his mate, smelling the anger and disappointment on him (the scents familiar by now), into which he was about to get laid in. And he deserved it so it wasn't like he was going to fight Stiles on it, he'd let him, because it would make him feel better. Some of that anger had to get out because it was going to mess with his magic. Wiping some of the water from his face, Derek tilted his head upwards to steel himself.<br/><br/>"Okay, let's hear it." Might as well get it over with to solve some of the tension between them. He wasn't an idiot, Stiles hadn't been up there for so long to get information on Zepar. He was hiding away from Derek, even going as far as to make the place soundproof because his heart beats hadn't been heard. He got that, he got needing time to themselves, but it was the sneakiness about it that made Derek doubt it was anything but to avoid him for negative reasons. Ever since he had reacted poorly to the outburst of magic, they had been in this position and he had tried to correct the mistake by offering to do more magic, but Stiles wasn't letting him. It was stupid, he knew that, he knew the fear had been leading him. The Hale could do better, could get past this but that required another chance.<br/><br/>And he was pissed off about it too because Stiles didn't want him to block anything. Last time Derek had done that, the Spark had exploded so he couldn't risk that. Which meant Stiles had felt the fear of the magic deeply and refused to give Derek more than that one try. How was he supposed to get over it if he couldn't get used to it and couldn't block it? They were at an impasse with it all and he had a feeling they were only going to take steps backwards.</p><p>Stiles paused by the bottom of the spiral staircase from that comment. He felt Derek's anger too and knew it wasn't about the soaked wolf asking what he had found out about their enemy.<br/><br/>"I hope you got soaking wet out there while searching for Tyr..." the human finally said with maybe a bit more edge than intended while he slowly walked over to the living area and sat down on one of the couches, the worn book on his lap as he kept fiddling with the cover's edge and the peeking out sticky notes.<br/><br/>He only glimpsed at Derek again then. He looked and felt pissed and like someone who wanted to fight. Maybe they should instead of pushing down everything. But aside from that snarky comment, Stiles wasn't sure he could... or should with the stirring magic and the void he felt in him. But then again this was Derek Hale, the master of getting on Stiles' nerves with his ways...<br/><br/>"What do you want me to say?" Another glimpse at his mate, this time sticking to the dripping wolf. Stiles wasn't sure what could be seen in his lightly shimmering irises.</p><p>Stiles blamed him for Tyr leaving, which was fine, he blamed himself too. The scathing remark therefor didn't really come as a surprise and Derek barely reacted to it physically.</p><p>"The rain washed away his scent and tracks so I didn't find him. I left text messages and voicemails." He had even gotten him a hotel room he only had to check into and he'd have meals and a place to stay, which had been explained in the voicemails. Derek had asked Tyr to understand that Derek made a lot of mistakes too, one of them being Tyr leaving. And told him to stay at the hotel while they got this whole mess sorted. It was up to the beta now to accept it or leave them forever. Since Stiles already thought the worst of him at the moment, he didn't explain it all.<br/><br/>Instead he removed his shoes to walk into the living area where his mate was on the couch, looking anything but comfortable. "The truth would be good." The werewolf was unfortunately a shouter if he got emotional, though right now his voice was low. His entire stance was closed off with arms folded across his chest, his defensive stance, usually one he still often fell back to over the years. It kept his arms and hands locked in, it usually kept others at a distance which allowed him to take it all in better.<br/><br/>His green eyes fell to the finger still wearing his ring. It hadn't been taken off or thrown at his head so that was something. It was however, not black. It was golden all the way which meant the human was hot enough to activate it, or more like, there was magic swirling underneath the mole-dotted skin. A 'magical' ring he had found online and had seemed like the perfect engagement ring for them. Only, they were anything but perfect, they were flawed.</p><p>"You're angry with me." Angry and disappointed.</p><p>"I'm angry with both of us for letting Tyr go like that. He didn't deserve that even if he held information back from us. He has no one else and nowhere to go. But at least you left him messages," Stiles said, guarding himself. It hurt them being like this around each other. It put strain on the bonds, but it was only for a short while now. Stiles will fix this too soon.<br/><br/>With a sigh he flipped the book open at a marked page and ran his slender index-finger across the lines. "I called Deaton about the alpha. The name 'Zepar' rang a bell for him since there aren't many running around with this name in the supernatural world. And if he's the man he suspects him to be then we are fucked. Does the Blackwood werewolf family name tell you anything? They are one of the original born werewolf packs residing near the Canadian border. They were famous for their vicious training and protecting their land. It was a huge pack in the past until a couple of decades ago when an alpha pack had attacked them and decimated their numbers..." he started, flipping through the pages before looking up at his closed up mate to see if he had heard anything about said pack.</p><p>It wasn't helping to simply push aside the problems they were having but Stiles had already done it so Derek focused on what he was hearing about this Zepar. The information didn't mean much to him though, because it didn't make sense. "So you're telling me that an alpha who had lost most of his pack to the alpha pack, is here to attack us? Us who have killed the alpha pack and made sure it wouldn't hurt others?" Zepar should be grateful to them, not attack them. Or was it because they hadn't killed all of the alphas and that's why he wanted revenge? It was possible even though it was stupid. As a born wolf he knew how important werewolf lives were. "Why not go after Ethan?"<br/><br/>Jennifer had killed Kali, Derek had a hand in killing Ennis but it was Deucalion who had ended him in the end and Monroe's people had killed Duke. Aiden was dead due to the Nogitsune, so this was not on them at all. Of course he had heard about the Blackwood pack, large pack, kept to themselves. Friendly enough to offer assistance in the past to werewolf business but Derek hadn't known them personally, that had been way before his time.<br/><br/>"It doesn't explain the magic, it doesn't explain anything. Except maybe him wanting to take new territory now that he had lost his own."</p><p>Stiles needed a moment to hold himself back and calm the magic which reacted to his stirred up emotions. He was impatient and tired both physically and mentally.<br/><br/>"Of course it doesn't explain anything because I wasn't done with the story. I was just checking if you knew about them," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to give it a short massage. Great, now he had a starting headache too...<br/><br/>"That alpha pack was a different alpha pack. Not Deucalion's. They aren't the only one. This happened like thirty years ago. Deaton said that this Zepar guy is kind of a legend among werewolves. Because after a couple of years of hiding away in the woods then gathering the survivors and more allies, they had killed the alpha pack and took their territory back. He said that more than one alpha emerged from their ranks that night because they stole the alpha spark from those whom they killed. It seems this Zepar guy became an alpha that night too. He was the true heir of that position but for some reason refused to become their leader and instead chose to live a nomad life, not staying at one place for long," Stiles explained.<br/><br/>"Little is known about what he's been doing for the past two decades, but Deaton shared a disturbing piece of information. To an unknown degree he is associated with the Druid Council. And those whom he hunts for some reason rarely survive. So yeah, we are fucked big time..."</p><p>The problem with werewolves was the fact that the born wolves were hard to guess age-wise, they all stopped aging for a while, had control over their appearance to a certain point. Zepar and Derek looked like they could be of the same age, but obviously Zepar was far older and Derek was younger than he looked. It explained why the alpha had the overhand, he was older and trained. And the Druid Council probably supplied him with the magic, druids who were also old and strong.<br/><br/>"He's an executioner for the Druid Council, that's why they don't survive. He's doing exactly what alpha packs do, come in to judge, play jury and executioner all in one." The question was, were they being judged now or had they been judged already? Was this him toying with them to have his fun or was this him testing them? Stiles had gone all out with his magic, no telling if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Zepar was not the one they had to go after though. He may be an alpha but he was only the lapdog. They had to go after the master of the beast, the one with enough magic to transfer bonds of mates.<br/><br/>Derek didn't know enough about druids and this council. He didn’t even know Deaton used to be the Hale emissary since Talia had been great at keeping secrets. Another Hale quality. "Does that book tell us what to expect if this is a Druid Council matter?"</p><p>"That position... it makes sense in a way. I've read before that wolves who bond themselves to druids in the Council might do the bidding of their master..." Stiles mused then glimpsed down at the book again. "It also makes sense that they would want to keep an eye on a rising Spark, huh?" he snorted with a bitter taste in his mouth. "Test him. See what he is made of. So I guess the attack two days ago was a way to test us. I just don't know what the results are now. Why he isn't back yet. I'm feeling watched all the time, even if the wards and protection spells aren't triggered. But then again, he could get through those so easily. Who is saying that he isn't spying on us right now too?" his eyes widened for a split second as paranoia and panic made his breathing hitch for a moment or two. He felt useless. He had failed with the wards before and now brought trouble on their heads because of his magic.<br/><br/>That realization only strengthened his resolve to lock that magic away for once and for all. As fast as possible. They didn't have much time. He didn't have much time to act.<br/><br/>His bruised knuckles turned white around the book's edge as he stared down at the page but didn't see anything as panic tried to take over.<br/><br/>But Derek asked something. He should focus on answering that, right?<br/><br/>"No... It's a book just on old werewolf bloodlines. I don't know anything... I can't do this..." he gasped for air as the pressure in his head crawled down into his shoulders and chest and he watched the book skid onto the floor, his trembling hands going up to cradle his head and tug at his hair, a scream slowly starting to crawl up on his throat but it was trapped, making it even harder to breathe.</p><p>Yeah, it unfortunately made sense now. Zepar hadn't been interested in Derek because he had been there for Stiles and the only reason why he had attacked was to trigger the Spark or he wouldn't have even bothered with it. The result of it all… they had no way of knowing, not really. It was a wait and see situation. Something the two of them weren't that good at, understandably. It was easier to go into an attack mode instead of waiting like pigs for the slaughter. Which is what it felt like to Derek.<br/><br/>It was ironic though that he had not been baited into fighting with Stiles to avoid a panic attack from happening and now one was still happening. The magic was simmering in the air, and Derek knew he shouldn't make Stiles feel trapped so he slid to his knees in front of the human, hands on the bony knees.<br/><br/>"I don't know anything either, that makes two of us." Not that Stiles was going to hear those words. Instead he took a hand and placed it on his chest so Stiles could breathe with him. "I'm here, I'm right here." There was no other offer, he knew he should keep to short sentences, help focus on breathing, be encouraging and not to tell the other to calm down.</p><p>Stiles' mind barely comprehended the words, but he saw Derek in front of him. He stared at his pale hand on the rain-soaked T-shirt, felt the thudding heart under his palm and the rise and fall of said chest. He tried to match that movement with his own and push down the panic which threatened with choking him. His control was slipping over the magic and he dreaded the possibility of another outburst right in the middle of their home, with Derek inches from him. The possibility of hurting his mate tore an ugly sob from his mouth and the panic tightened his chest some more.<br/><br/><em>Focus!</em></p><p><em>Breathe!</em><br/><br/>The tiny colorful dots dancing on the edge of his vision were the messengers of fainting, but the more he tried to focus on Derek's breathing, the more they pulled back. He saw the magic too, reaching out for Derek, wanting to wrap around him in a nearly pleading manner as it stuck to the wolf's arms. Wanting to connect, to hold on to like a child clinging to his parent before being taken away. That thought made Stiles' mind swirl, because the magic couldn't really know he was planning something similar. It wasn't sentient in that way, right?<br/><br/>Another ugly sound slipped his lips – this time a choking laugh. Maybe he was finally going crazy. Maybe he was pushed to the edge of his sanity.<br/><br/><strong><em>Breathe!<br/></em></strong><br/>Tears were streaming down on his face again, but he did take a shuddering breath. Then another. The warmth and thudding under his palm finally seeping into his senses, guiding him, anchoring him.</p><p>The golden glow crawling up Derek’s arms in this desperate attempt to connect while Stiles held it back was heartbreaking. The panic attack was only getting worse with the denial, but Derek didn't dare to push more, even though the hand on his chest trembled with the strain of having to deal with everything. Normally he'd pull Stiles close, let him lean against his chest and wait patiently. This wasn't normal, and he wasn't even sure if his closeness was going to be appreciated right now when his mate couldn't even look at him.<br/><br/>Inhaling deeply, the Hale turned his arm to let the rune face up, hoping for the magic to connect. It didn't. It crawled over it but there was no connection made so no opening at the moment. What would be worse, pulling pain to attempt to get it where it needed to be or to press his arm to Stiles?<br/><br/>The moment he felt his mate was calming down a little, breathing at least even though it was still far too quick for his liking, the Hale reached up, pressing their arms together. Was it wise? He didn't know but it was needed, the magic was way too active. And he was ready for it, for Stiles he'd do anything. Always. Forever.<br/><br/><em>I love you. Don’t ever forget that.</em></p><p>That thought-like feeling coming through the bonds made more tears slide down on Stiles' face. He would've sobbed too if breathing wasn't his top priority right then. He didn't expect Derek to initiate the connection, but it opened up and Stiles finally lost his fight with himself and let it happen, the magic sizzling through his veins nearly painfully – as if in a way somewhat punishing him – but by the time it reached Derek, it calmed and simply flowed into him like a warm wave. Gentle and protective yet eager to be with the wolf. Maybe it was fleeing Stiles, 'seeking shelter' from a bad host. It was crazy and yes, heartbreaking.<br/><br/>Because maybe this was their last balancing, Stiles realized and without thinking he was on his knees in front of the couch, burying his face in the damp yet warm chest, his free arm going around his mate, fingers digging in his back and the offered forearm.<br/><br/>The ugly wheezing and quick breathing were slowly subsiding and were being replaced by soft sobs, the magic pulsing around and in them. Stiles didn't deserve the calmness it brought.<br/><br/>"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..." he sniffed, still crying. He meant the magic and making Derek offer to take it despite his fear. "I'll fix this, I promise," he added barely audible, his fingers twitching on the wolf's warm skin.</p><p>Derek wrapped his arm around the shivering human while the other was clutched tightly, the warm wave of magic swelling to a sea almost. How much magic had been building up there or was everything simply rushing over to him? The wolf accepted it, of course he did, the balancing wasn't exactly the problem, it was the manifestation of the magic in spells. This lava-like feeling and sight wasn't a bad thing, there were no bad experiences with it. The frantic shaking of his mate was lessened with how much of the magic was trying to hop over, as if it wanted to envelop Derek in a warm hug. It made his heartbeat rise as more filtered through, eyes starting to become amber.<br/><br/>It felt like it didn't want to be with Stiles and although Derek didn't know what all was going on inside that busy head, it probably had been so depressed that the magic hadn't felt at home. And in Derek's head there was a whole wall of magic so it felt familiar.<br/><br/>"We'll fix this." There was no ‘you’ in this, or maybe Stiles didn't want there to be a ‘we’ at the moment. They had known this moment would come, like new alphas wouldn't be created without consequences, the same could be said for magic.<br/><br/>"I don't think they're coming to attack yet. They’re waiting on us, to see how we're handling this. No use testing a Spark when he's unbalanced." Probably why Derek's leg wound refused to heal, magic tempering with it to see what Stiles would do. Would he force his help on his mate or would he wait? "They knew my fear of fire. They knew everything."</p><p>As if reacting to Derek's thought, the magic began dividing itself in the wolf and while most concentrated around the familiar wall and soul, some redirected itself and was flowing into the injured torso and leg, starting to heal it. It made Stiles sigh relieved to know that it was taking care of their mate even now when the magic felt 'pissed at him', his decision and slipping control making it feel kinda spiky towards the druid. Maybe this is how refused magic felt, he wasn't sure. But it didn't matter anymore either. He let nearly all of the meanwhile built up magic flow into his mate. It was going to be in a better place there.<br/><br/>Then he began slowly breaking down the connection, leaving himself with enough magic not to get sick and to be able to perform what was needed to put an end to this. Of course, he didn't comment on that or Derek's comment of fixing it together. There wasn't going to be a 'together' in this.<br/><br/>"Or maybe making me unbalanced is their goal. To see if I'll snap again." To which he was close to, it was painfully obvious for both of them. Tyr's departure and feeling being watched only adding to that stress, worsening Stiles' depression.<br/><br/>"Maybe while I try to dig up more on Zepar, you could start to sniff around about Peter. How much he might be involved in this. Where he might be," Stiles sniffed, his cold trembling fingers a few times caressing along Derek's pulsing and warm rune once the connection was broken. He's going to always remember how connecting to him like this felt, even if it was their last time.</p><p>The Hale hadn't expected Stiles to close their connection when they hadn't balanced, because most of it was in Derek when it was supposed to be about evening it out. It's not that he wasn't grateful with the extra help to heal his body, to not have to wait for days but to be back to his own self now. But not at the cost of his mate who was still acting strangely despite the ritual.<br/><br/>"Peter's not our problem right now. Why should I focus attention on that when it's needed here?" But he understood the implications. Stiles wanted to scurry back to the greenhouse where Derek couldn't reach, wanted to be away from him. Pushing him away even. After Derek had showed him that magic was something he could take, willingly, that Stiles wasn't forcing him into anything. It hurt. To be still denied when it was clear the other was barely holding it together. None of it made sense.<br/><br/>Stiles felt sad, almost as if he was saying goodbye, almost as if he was getting ready for them to be over with. Was he going to accept Zepar's offer to protect Derek? Was he going to try and sneak off on the fire escape and not look back? Pulling away, Derek realized he was going to have to trust Stiles to not do anything stupid, and that if he chose to join Zepar, it wasn't the werewolf's right to stop him. Being with him, it wasn't easy, he had warned his mate about that and maybe that warning was finally understood.<br/><br/>"But you want to be alone so I'll pretend to sniff around about Peter." He might leave to look for Tyr again but Stiles was too depressed right now to leave him alone in this big building.</p><p>The human suppressed a bitter sigh and rather bit down on his bottom lip for a long moment when he felt Derek's pain and confused thoughts. He couldn't exactly tell what he was thinking about, but he knew he felt denied after everything. Maybe to ease that feeling in his mate, he lifted his ringed right hand, his own rune burning lightly both from the transfer and the strain on their bonds and caressed Derek's stubbly face.<br/><br/>"Right now..." he started hoarsely then cleared his throat before starting it again. "Right now I don't want to be alone. I'd like my mate to take me to bed and just hold me. If that's okay with you..." he said, closing his burning eyes and pausing for a long moment. Nothing about this was easy and Stiles was falling through the cracks fast. He needed Derek to keep him together during the night before he continues the preparations for what he has to do.<br/><br/>"I'm so tired…" he whispered, tightening his hold around his mate. He was oblivious about Derek thinking that he might be preparing to leave him for Zepar in order to protect all of them. Frankly, it was an idea that had crossed his mind in the greenhouse, but he felt physically sick from that thought so he quickly discarded it. Not that Derek would know anything about that, though.<br/><br/>Now he just wanted to lay in the warm embrace of his man, to be surrounded by that unmistakable werewolf heat and scent and pretend for a night that everything was going to be fine.</p><p>The complete one-eighty Stiles did confused Derek, because he went from cold and depressed and detached and telling the older man to go work on Peter to wanting to share a bed together. So he blinked at the human for a few moments, trying to figure out where the change happened and he realized some things he wouldn't be able to understand. Was it to make him feel better or them both? Was this a way to have a final goodbye? Why even give Derek so much of his magic when he needed the energy himself? None of it made much sense and even though he wasn't tired, he had a lot of magic inside of him, so he nodded.<br/><br/>Sure, they could be in bed together and he'd hold Stiles as he slept because he needed it. It was going to be useless to try to get some food into either of them, because the stress was too much to think about food even though it would be better for the human. Last time they had food was in the afternoon and that hadn't been finished by his mate.<br/><br/>Not saying anything, Derek lifted Stiles into his arms to get him to the bedroom and into the comfortable bed. He undressed and kicked the pile of wet clothes in the corner. That was a worry for another day. Getting dry underwear on, he got into bed with Stiles, pulling the covers over them both.<br/><br/>"Sleep some, we'll talk tomorrow." Or not, but that was a worry for another day.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 17: Relight My Fire - Part 4</h2></a>
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  <strong>17: Relight My Fire – Part 4</strong>
</p>
<p>A bit more than a day had passed since that night when Stiles slept in the warmth and safety of his mate. It didn't keep the bad dreams away though and he jerked awake a few times gasping for air. Derek didn't wake up each time, so Stiles had the chance to just lie awake there in the protective circle of the muscular arms, inhaling Derek and listening to his steady heartbeats and the faint humming of the magic under his skin. He was slightly glowing in the druid's eyes from the amount he had transferred to him. It should last for quite a while.<br/><br/>That thought though... it didn't make the preparations easier while he practically locked himself into the greenhouse, only going downstairs when he couldn't avoid it any longer or had to eat or shower. Deaton texted him the details of the ritual and warned him that it can be very dangerous when the magic tries to resist. And he was assured that it was going to resist and the whole process will be painful because it was basically tearing a part of him from the very fabric of his being just to lock it up with a complicated spell while his will and belief has to stay unwavering as he tattoos himself.<br/><br/>That in itself was unnerving enough for Stiles to make him nauseous. Not the promise of the excruciating pain, but having to use a needle on himself to tattoo that rune into his skin with the magical ink he just finished spelling.<br/><br/>Also, since there was a possibility of the magic wreaking havoc, he made sure to ward the greenhouse and the roof against magical outbursts. He didn't want a repeat of what went down in the woods with the burned out circle. Or worse. He didn't want to wreck their beautiful new home or get killed in the process.<br/><br/>The magic circle he had drawn onto the floor with chalk served as additional protection too and now he just had to wait for an herb concoction to cool off enough for him to drink to help the process. He went through each step one more time (although he knew them by heart now) and checked if he had everything. He had banished his tears and emotions and said his goodbye to the magic a while back. Now he was just sitting there, collecting his strength and steeling his body and mind for what was to come while closing Derek out as much as he dared and ignoring the feeling of being watched again.</p>
<p>Derek had woken up late, the bed empty and cold next to him. It was the amount of magic which had managed to make him fall asleep since he hadn't been planning on sleeping at all. A quick tour of the loft showed all the rooms empty, a figure moving in the greenhouse. Of course. He should have known the need to be away hadn't dissipated even after sleeping together. At least Stiles hadn't rushed off to meet Zepar when there had been plenty of time to do just that. Stiles didn't show unless it was to eat and use the bathroom, his appearances accompanied by silences, acting very distracted whenever Derek attempted for them to talk, or you know, look at one another. Something he wasn't succeeding at so he had sighed and had simply resorted to watching his mate carefully, worry gnawing at him. This was Stiles busy with something. Derek knew the human could get like this when he was into something deeply.<br/><br/>But whatever it was, Stiles wasn't willing to share. Honestly, Derek had his own problems to deal with. Such as Claudia Stilinski trying to get his attention all afternoon. Ever since the Hale had been able to see ghosts and had realized that acknowledging them was dangerous, he mostly pretended to not see them at all. The moment they knew there was communication possible, they'd be everywhere, never leaving him alone. And not all of them were particularly friendly. Claudia was one of the ‘hover ghosts’ as he called them. They were wisps almost, trailing after people, not always there either, almost like guardians. Claudia sometimes showed around Stiles, she had been stronger at the Sheriff's home but had clearly moved with them to the loft. And she somehow knew he could see her.<br/><br/>At first she was staring at him, then she started following him around whenever he moved and that wasn't fun because who could say that they had their dead mother-in-law watching them shower? Asking her to move would mean she'd get more persistent because communication had been established. But he couldn't use the toilet, his bladder suddenly had gotten shy thanks to Claudia and whenever he wanted to eat, she'd be there. Like a puppy would beg for food – only she was trying to get his attention. It was getting on his nerves. As he tried to read, she was <em>in</em> the couch and when that didn't work, she was hovering over his book. He could see through her, but attempting to ignore a <em>face</em> staring at him from his book was impossible.<br/><br/>"Oh my god, what?! What do you want?!" He threw the book away when she nearly got on his lap. Yeah, now he knew from where Stiles got his persistence and lack of personal boundaries.</p>
<p>Meanwhile Stiles' heart was beating faster, but he had to banish the fear and the shaking of his fingers. He needed a steady belief and hand and the right mindset to do this successfully. He focused on calming his breathing as he was sitting there cross-legged among the lit candles, everything he needed for the ritual lined up in front of him in the circle.<br/><br/>After a while he reached out for the herb concoction that would help him get into a nearly trance-like state. He drank the bitter fluid in three big gulps and took a deep breath. The chant was short enough and didn't take long for him to learn by heart and it started quietly spilling from his mouth, the flames of the candles brightening, just like the lines of the magic circle around him. He then began slowly working on temporarily dulling the bonds so Derek wouldn't get hurt or feel much of the pain Stiles was going to be in.<br/><br/>The druid knew that sooner or later Derek will sense it that something was up and that he'd probably try to stop him, but that's why he chose to do it in his own private sanctuary that would keep his mate long enough for him to be able to finish what he had started.<br/><br/>Next he took his T-shirt off to dip his finger into some grey paint which was mixed with more herbs and began drawing the required elemental runes on his chest to start pulling the remaining magic from his physical body to push it back into the Spark in him before he'd dull it enough so he could move on to the next step: the tattooing.<br/><br/>The discomfort was growing in him the more runes got painted on his upper-body. He could feel his tattoos and the scarred over rune burning his skin, the air around him getting hot and stifling, but his mind was kinda floating and detached already, not caring about the light sheen of sweat making his skin glisten in the candlelight either.</p>
<p>Derek took the stairs almost in flight with the way he rushed to get to the greenhouse, his mind still reeling from what Claudia had told him. He didn't want to believe it, it wasn't possible that Stiles would do something that reckless and stupid and... <em>Shit</em>. What if he was going to do what his mother said? Why hadn't he felt anything, sensed anything? Looking back on it though, it made sense now. Why Stiles had been so depressed, why he had given way too much of his magic to the werewolf, why his scent was so thick with sadness. He had been mourning the loss he was about to succumb himself to, planning this since the attack of Zepar happened.<br/><br/>The rain pounded down on him as he crossed the small path from the door to the middle of the garden where the greenhouse was located. He attempted to touch the door, only to get the familiar shock of mountain ash. That stupid greenhouse which had been made inaccessible to him and Stiles knew it! He had locked himself in there on purpose so the Hale had no chance of stopping him.<br/><br/>"STILES!" he shouted loudly, attempting to get his attention through the glass. The little he could see of the Spark, he saw he was in this trance-like state. Eyes were distantly blank, not focused on anything at all. He was shirtless and had painted all kinds of symbols on himself for the ritual he was undertaking.<br/><br/>"He can't hear you," Claudia told Derek, helpfully. Which wasn't helpful at all.<br/><br/>"I know! STILES, listen to me, stop this, right now!" There was of course no reaction and Derek knew he was running out of time. Stiles was going to remove his magic, he was going to lock it all away, take away their emissary bond, out of this misguided notion that it would make everything better. Which it wasn't going to.</p>
<p><em>Why didn’t he tell me?</em> Because he had been too busy being afraid of the magic to realize the state Stiles was in. Or worse, his mate had purposefully hidden it from him.</p>
<p>Stiles was picking up this needle-like thing, looking a lot like a handmade tattoo gun. No, no. That wasn't good. Derek was going to lose him unless he did something. Back when he had taken his own eyes, he had been able to touch the ashes with his claws. He glanced at his hand, letting the claws grow as he punched forward with all the strength and love he had in him, willing to be let in.<br/><br/><strong>STILES!</strong></p>
<p>His hand went through the glass, breaking it, the entire window shattering despite all the wards and mountain ash. It seemed to startle the human, he physically reacted, hand paused with the needle, and both stopped breathing for a moment, the tension growing.</p>
<p>
  <em>Come on, Stiles, listen to me!</em>
</p>
<p>Was it working? It seemed to be working... Only, the needle was pressed into the skin, the first ink dot for the rune made. Derek hissed at the overwhelming pain radiating from Stiles, and he threw a look at Claudia.<br/><br/>"Let me," she asked as she held out her hand. What? Oh… This was not smart. And yet he found himself nodding to the apparition, standing there still dry in the rain as it went right through her. Derek exhaled and reached for her, fingers touching coldness and then she was inside of him and he was pushed outside of his own body. And as his body spoke, it wasn't his voice coming out of him. It was hers.<br/><br/>"Mieczysław. Stop this! Mischief!"</p>
<p>Derek was there outside. Stiles could tell, he could even distantly feel him, although it was only a faint sensation because of the concoction he drank and the spell that dulled their bonds for a while. He wasn't sure if the emissary bond would survive this or not, but he made sure to protect the mate bond before he had started the ritual. He couldn't afford that to be broken. Not because it'd kill them. No, he wasn't even sure if he locked his magic away that was going to be a possibility or not. One thing was sure: Derek wasn't going to have to fear the magic and they wouldn't have to do any more balancing. Two birds with one stone. But Stiles still wanted to be Derek's mate, so that bond had to stay intact. He did all the precautions Deaton had told him and all the other tricks his mind could come up with. So they should be fine once this is over. Once he survives this pain.<br/><br/>The further he went into the ritual, the more excruciating it was getting, but it barely showed on his body, the concoction keeping him in that trance. He was screaming on the inside.<br/><br/>His concentration faltered only when the glass was broken. It was unexpected, although he should've thought about it that Derek was going to be able to temper somewhat with the mountain ash and wards. He did that before with the former.<br/><br/>The first sting of the needle on the inside of his wrist made his whole forearm burst out in the magical flames, the burning pain making it go numb and a quiet labored groan leave Stiles' mouth. But he had to continue.<br/><br/>What he didn't expect in a million years was a voice that messed with his concentration again. A voice he hadn't heard for long years now. The familiar, beloved voice of his <em>mother</em>. His real name was called upon and he had no choice but to listen to that. His soul aching from her nickname for him and echoing in Stiles' mind, the druid's eyes cleared out enough to look up and through the shattered glass.<br/><br/>It was Derek but then it wasn't. Stiles could see the outlines of his mate, but his glowing amber eyes could see behind that. He saw his long-dead mother standing there, looking straight at him with an understanding yet pained expression. Shock made his hand stop with the needle, his concentration wavering again as the cool practical mindset in him was fading from the stirring up emotions in him.<br/><br/>"M-mom..?" he hoarsely whispered in disbelief.</p>
<p>"Yes, it's me. We had to reach you somehow."<br/><br/>Derek's face had softened since he wasn't the one in charge so his facial expressions were completely different. The real one was unaware of his own body, he couldn't feel the pain his mate was going through as much since their bonds tethered to their souls but also their bodies. Derek wanted to barge in there and slap the needle away, he wanted to pull Stiles close and never let him go. He wanted to slap Stiles upside the head for even thinking this was something that would make it better for them. Instead he watched as Claudia, in his body, attempted to coax Stiles out of the greenhouse.<br/><br/>"Come here, I don't know how much time we have and I can't come to you." She lowered herself to her knees, as if Stiles was still her little boy, opening her arms for him, wanting him to come outside to her. She knew a little of what had happened, not everything did she remember since her mind had been gone long before her body, but as a ghost she was more of her old self. Like before the sickness changed her into a whole different person. She had been incredibly awful to her son and husband, they hadn't had it easy and yet she never had been able to let go of her small family. They never had seen her, never reacted to her presence, until the werewolf showed up some time ago.<br/><br/>And now, now she was able to hold her little boy again, even if just for a moment. Tears were running down on her cheeks, quickly washed away by the rain.</p>
<p>Stiles' breathing hitched as old memories were springing to the surface unstoppable, making him more aware of his surroundings, washing away most of the trance, although his brain was still a bit slow to catch up. That voice... he never forgot it, heard it on old VHS recordings from his childhood, sometimes heard it in his dreams. It was really his mother! In Derek's body! But... how?!<br/><br/>Reminding himself to breathe, the pain registered in his body again, reminding him of what he was there for.<br/><br/>"I... I can't... I have to finish this..." To make things better. To solve the problem, which was Stiles himself.<br/><br/>"No, you don't have to. It's not the solution," she said softly, but with some urging in her voice as her tears kept falling and being washed away.<br/><br/>"But..." Stiles hesitated.<br/><br/>"Come now, Mischief. It's okay. All will be fine..."<br/><br/>With a shuddering breath Stiles lowered the needle, trying to ignore the pain that kept coursing through him because the ritual was unfinished and stuck. With a trembling sigh, he closed his eyes and reversed the spell, working as quickly on undoing the bindings and freeing his Spark as fast as he could. It was just as painful, shaking his body, but he continued. A wave of his hand put out the candles and after closing the ritual, he broke the magic circle around him too.<br/><br/>He stumbled onto his trembling legs and kept his eyes on his mother, the pain still strong but not excruciating anymore as the Spark and the magic were settling back in him, the bonds coming alive again. That feeling made it a bit easier for him to breathe.<br/><br/>And then he was opening the door, stepping over the glass shards and dropped onto his knees to be hugged by his mother like when he was just a snotty little kid... such a long time ago. The moment he was embraced, he knew it really was his mom. No one else could give hugs like that and he realized that he was sobbing, his own tears mixing into the cold rain which started washing away the painted on runes too.<br/><br/>"Mom... <em>Mom</em>!!" Stiles cried and held her tighter.</p>
<p>The rain was forgotten, the fact that it was Derek's body was forgotten. Nothing mattered in that exact moment, nothing but the mother reuniting with her child in a way neither of them had ever thought was possible again. Strong arms wrapped around Stiles to cradle the back of his head as she cried loudly for feeling that warm body of her fully adult son. He was in pain and shivering and he was still so skinny but he still had that smell to him that made her think of all those moments when she had him in her arms. When he had fallen and scraped his knee, when he had a bad dream, when he had gotten his first A and clung to her. Always so, so smart and always so busy in his head and body…</p>
<p>"Oh snugglebug, I never thought I'd feel you like this again. My Mischief, I've missed you," she laughed with a breathy sigh, clasping his face in her hands so she could look at him, really look at him. All this time they never had eye contact and she had never known how much time had passed whenever she checked in. Hovering like this made time seem like it had not existed anymore.<br/><br/>"I knew you were going to make a mistake, give up the magic which is a part of you, of us. I couldn't watch anymore." Not when she could do something instead of just standing by so often so uselessly. How it had hurt her to see her son cry by himself, curled up in bed, clutching his pillow with heaving sobs. To want to reach out and touch him and tell him it was all going to be okay. But the truth was, it wasn't going to be okay. Not for her and him. It was never going to be as she had hoped for. To see him grow older, have her first grandchild in her arms, this wedding! His baby boy was getting married!<br/><br/>"I love you, Mieczysław."</p>
<p>For a while Stiles couldn't do anything but tremble and cry in that embrace. He knew it was Derek's body, but it was also his mother! His still slightly sluggish mind was trying to comprehend that and enjoy every second of the very, very missed hug and voice. Each word uttered from Claudia resulted in more tears. He felt like a small child again in her loving embrace. After a fall with his bicycle, after being bullied at school, after being consoled in the middle of the night from a bad dream...<br/><br/>"I'm so sorry, mom. I love you! So very much!" he sobbed. "It still hurts and I miss you every day! I miss you so much! How... how is this possible?" he looked into the familiar eyes again, which he hadn't had the chance to do for so long for real. He only had cherished memories and photographs and videos.<br/><br/>"I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing to keep everyone safe... I'm not strong enough. I only cause trouble with the very thing I am... I hurt others with it. I wanted to... make things easier for everyone. To not hurt Derek anymore. I love him more than anything, mom. He's my mate now and we're getting married and hopefully expand our little family and dad is finally happy now too even if he misses you every day and still loves you the same..." he said quickly in-between sniffing and blinking tears and rain out of his eyes, but his embrace never eased up around his mom. He didn't know how much time they had like this or how much she knew, but he wanted her to know all these things about her family. Before her eventual death, for months she wasn't herself and now... now she was how Stiles remembered her from before the sickness. His loving and wonderful mom!</p>
<p>"I've never really left," was all Claudia said when Stiles clung to her and was uttering a rushed recap even though she was mostly aware of it. Noah wasn't the one she was here for and she was glad her husband had finally moved on after all this time. After turning to alcohol and having to get clean of that, Noah had turned to working, way too much of it. So much that she had worried about Stiles but with the bills piling up it made sense. And she had never been able to do anything for either one of her boys.<br/><br/>"Stiles, you are magic, that's part of you now, part of you both. Removing it would have done irreparable damage to you. The two of you can do everything together, I fully believe that. We are Sparks, we always have been, our family back in Poland. Magic can't cure everything," she sobbed, saddened by that because Stiles had been so young when she had passed away, far too young and they had so little time together. "You should... go through my things. You'll find that what you have is hereditary. To throw that away after everything…"<br/><br/>She didn't know how much time they had either, this was the first time she had been in a body but it was draining her fast. "I won't go far. I'll always be around even if you can't see me. Derek can, I don't know why he sees us all, sees beyond the veil, but he can. So I will always find a way back to you, Mischief. I love you, I'm proud of you." Her voice was getting softer, and started to take on Derek's timbre as her energy was waning.</p>
<p>"No! Don't go! Not yet!" Stiles protested, his hands turning into fists around the soaking wet T-shirt of his mate. But he could feel her fading and Derek's scent and presence getting stronger until he was burying his face and sobbing loudly into his man's chest.<br/><br/>"Please... forgive me... Derek!" he cried, practically crawling onto the wolf's lap in an attempt to hide in him. Pain and sorrow but also some relief were coursing through his trembling body, teeth chattering and lips turning slightly blue from the cold rain still pouring on them. At least it nearly completely washed or smeared away the symbols on his naked skin.<br/><br/>"I'm sorry... I thought..." he said on a whiny voice but it failed him, so instead he let more tears pour from his eyes, his mother's words echoing in his exhausted mind.</p>
<p>"I know," Derek assured him and that was all he said as the last bits of Stiles' mother left him and he was able to be in his body again. It felt almost unnatural to be back, skin too tight, muscles too tense, exhaustion tugging at him. However, his mate was shivering against him violently, lips blue, skin too pale. Lifting him in his arms, he needed a moment to get used to having legs again, and he surveyed the damage done to the greenhouse. A human should be able to enter it so he was going to call tomorrow to get the glass replaced.<br/><br/>The werewolf quietly carried Stiles inside, all the way down to the bedroom to get the last layers off him, because they were both soaked to the bone. So he retrieved some towels to rub the freezing skin warm, hopefully to get some color back on the human. "You're still freezing. Stay here and I'll make some hot tea and get us both warm clothes." Sure, they really needed to talk about all of this, about what just happened, about Claudia... but the Hale was well aware that humans could get sick from being this wet and cold. Riffling through their clothing drawers, he got Stiles flannel pants and a hoodie, even helping him get into them. He also stripped out of his own to be back in sweatpants, not taking long to place a warm steaming mug into the cold hands.<br/><br/>Derek joined him in bed, it was warm there and they were both tired, so they could talk like this. "Do you want to sleep or do you want to talk?" His mate looked about ready to drop into another coma.</p>
<p>Stiles was sitting there with the hoodie on his head to keep his damp hair from being exposed to the cooler air and was staring into the steaming mug, taking careful sips while the nice warmth was seeping into his pain-ridden body and frozen fingers. It kinda hurt, but not in a completely unpleasant way.<br/><br/>He thought he didn't really deserve this, but he guessed that having someone so special like Derek in his life brought with it that he was sometimes being cared for – and him letting that special someone do so. So now... being so drained mentally, physically and spiritually, he didn't object, just accepted Derek caring for him. He guessed it was also somewhat grounding for the wolf.<br/><br/>After a long silence and another sip, Stiles slid closer until his side was pressed to Derek's in hopes of soon stopping the shivering with the extra heat a werewolf's body usually generated. Although Stiles' body was beyond tired, his mind was in that certain space when despite the exhaustion, he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep just yet.<br/><br/>"We can talk..." he murmured, his voice hoarse from all the crying, eyes blood-shot and still somewhat sad as he finally looked at Derek and kept the eye-contact.</p>
<p>"I don't know why you thought this was a good idea but there are others ways. You don't have to be a druid, or my emissary, you can be like a mage, you can use your magic just a little. It doesn't mean you have to get rid of your magic completely." Sometimes it was hard to follow Stiles' line of thinking since the human would make all these connections and he'd be way ahead of how Derek was anticipating anything. Derek wasn't completely following the thoughts but he could guess the main why, which had everything to do with him and his aversion to fire.<br/><br/>And Stiles, in his far advanced thinking, thought he was doing the right thing for the both of them and completely stonewalled Derek's feelings on it by accident. Stiles pushed, and he pushed too hard sometimes. Like with wanting to be proposed to and nearly making Derek do it just to stop the constant hassling. The older man had refused to do it like that, he didn't want Stiles to later on think it hadn't been something Derek wanted to do. This was along the same lines.</p>
<p>"I don't like me fearing your magic either, but you have to give me time to get used to it again, to get used to fire. I'm fighting hard for us and you gave me the tool with the wall but that doesn't mean I can pretend I'm okay since you literally can feel what I feel if the emotions are strong enough. And I can't make you not feel it because you’d explode. Also literally."<br/><br/>Sighing, the Hale reached for a hand not cupped around the mug to entwine the fingers together. "When I said I needed time, I meant it. I want to get better at this. I don't want you to give up something you are because of it. I mean, Jordan's a hellhound and I can't pretend he's not fire. Wolfsbane needs to be burned out. Fire is part of my life and your magic being a freaking phoenix is also part of it."</p>
<p>After a while Stiles watched their entwined fingers as Derek was talking then finished his tea and sighed too, putting the mug down on the nightstand to turn back to his mate.<br/><br/>"I thought... this would solve most of our problems. I know it'd have been me giving up an integral part of me, but my logic was that no magic equals no challengers who would come for me because I'm a Spark. It also would've meant you wouldn't have to fear me anymore. You talk about the magic and the fire as if it is separate from me. But if this ritual had taught me anything, it is that <em>I am</em> the fire, that <em>I am</em> the magic. It's in my blood, in each cell of me. That's why it hurt so much trying to extract it all out to lock it up..." his eyes moved to the single black dot on the inside of his wrist. It was going to be a constant reminder of his near-mistake for the rest of his life. And also a warning.<br/><br/>Stiles looked into the green eyes again. "I understand you need time, but you also have to understand this: that I am magic, I am fire, I am a Spark," he said on a more determined voice. "I see that now. Mom was right. I cannot make this sacrifice for us, even if my intentions were good. I cannot give you this part of me to keep you safe. I have to carry this, live with this and accept this." Like Stiles had accepted everything Derek was. Not human but a werewolf, a beast, a broken being. He could only hope for Derek to realize and learn to accept this too.<br/><br/>"I won't try to lock my magic away ever again. I had learned my lesson with mom's help. I will embrace what I am and try to make the best of it," he said more confident then lightly squeezed Derek's fingers. "We should soon start practicing with the fire too to let you get used to it again. You know it'll never harm you, right?" he asked.</p>
<p>Derek had never wanted this part of Stiles and never asked of him to make that kind of sacrifice. What if Claudia hadn't been there or hadn't been able to reach Stiles in the way she had? Then it would have happened and the damage would have been irreparable and very harming for Stiles, even maybe for Derek. Maybe he had nearly lost Stiles, again. It was a scary thought to have, that they constantly come close to loss due to their own foolishness and not an outside threat. He didn't know how to undo any of it, he didn't know what he was supposed to say. Derek’s head was too full with it all, making him get quiet as he attempted to process the words for what they were and not the emotions he had.<br/><br/>Maybe he had kept the magic too apart from Stiles, because it had felt like a separate entity. The way it would enter him, the way Stiles sometimes said ‘we’ instead of ‘I’. So they both probably had treated it the wrong way, that the energy he felt at the balancing rituals was Stiles and his magic, not the magic by itself. Maybe if he kept that in mind, it wouldn't be so hard to not freak out when this fire bird was going to happen again.<br/><br/>"I know you'll never hurt me," he corrected because if they were going to treat it as part of Stiles then they had to start talking about the magic as Stiles and not ‘it’. It wasn't ‘it’, it was Stiles. "It's not like I see it as you. The fire happens and I feel the fire from the past, so in the moment I'm not even afraid of your fire, it's the memories." Isn't that usually the problem with a particular phobia, a bad experience which gets triggered and so it keeps being relived until it's a fear that makes no sense anymore?<br/><br/>"When I was little, I was taught about hunters, how to act around people to not attract attention, what to do when under attack by hunters, what to do when hurt by hunters. I saw people die when I was young and I knew werewolves weren't invincible. But to learn that a simple fire could kill 11 people and werewolves alike... that a match and gasoline can destroy your home and life so easily and quickly... I learned to fear fire. Then Peter forced those memories into me so I knew what it was like in that basement and Hell... It's not you I fear. I just don't know how to... not fear." He kissed Stiles' fingers. "I want to learn though, in all the ways. You and your magic are one and you're part of me."<br/><br/>"You do realize that even if you're not a Spark, they'd come after you. Even if you locked away the magic they'd come looking. We have to be better prepared for when they do."</p>
<p>Stiles' eyes welled up again but this time there was a soft look in them, not that deep sadness from earlier. The fingers Derek just kissed moved to caress the stubbly cheek and he moved closer to lean his forehead against his mate's, a couple of tears sliding down on the pale face.<br/><br/>"Because of our bonds and the way I had touched your soul, I know the depth of your trauma and fear more than anyone, remember that, Derek," he whispered like that, drinking in the closeness of his man, which grounded him and the stirred up magic in him some more. "I'm just glad you are willing to learn. I'll help you come over your fear as much as possible. That will make us stronger and more prepared in the future. No matter who comes our way to challenge us or try to take away what we have. If I can stop it, I won't let anyone hurt you again like how Zepar did. We are mates, but you are also my familiar and as your emissary and druid, I have the responsibility to try to keep you safe. Sometimes even from my foolishness. I know that now so I won't do anything like this again. And I'll help you," he repeated and moved his head enough so that he could kiss his mate softly.<br/><br/>Then he finally opened his eyes. "Thank you for saving me. And letting my mom hug me again after such a long time. Why haven't you told me that you are like a medium? I have so many questions about that too, you know..." he smiled softly at Derek, just drinking in the details of the familiar face for the thousandth time.</p>
<p>"I'm willing to learn how to jump into a fire for you." He would jump into one if Stiles or Beth were in danger, without a doubt, which was also something that made it easier. If others were in danger, Derek was going to overlook his own fear in favor of them. So as uncomfortable as it was with Zepar, fear hadn't taken hold of him too much then, since they had been in danger. Well mostly him with his guts popping out and yeah, he really didn't want a repeat of that either but it happened. Was going to happen. Just as Stiles was going to get hurt too. It was impossible to stop that no matter how much they wanted it. "Most warlocks have a small familiar, I'm a pretty big target to hide."<br/><br/>Stiles knew how Derek felt about them getting hurt, it was going to happen and it was part of their lives. But as much as he'd try to protect the human, he knew the younger man would do the same for him. He was and always had been very annoying and stubborn like that. And Derek couldn't use the excuse of him being the one healing anymore without that being thrown back in his face, with a very good reason. They both had much to learn and not enough time to learn it, as usual. They had to get on with the program.<br/><br/>Rubbing their noses together the Hale sighed. He knew about the questions, it was only fair. "It's part of why I can see angel wings and reapers. A gift from Hell." The last part was laced with sarcasm because nothing was a gift from there. "Ghosts, once they know I can see them, are relentless. My experiences weren't that great and when the soul was returned, half the time I didn't know if they were real or not. I mean, a half-crazed mate rambling on about seeing your dead mom?" It would’ve been insensitive, never the right time to mention it.</p>
<p>Stiles smiled from their noses being rubbed together. It was something they sometimes did and it always warmed his heart and made him smile. It was such a simple gesture but also an intimate one. A greeting wolves often did. Something that made him feel closer to Derek.<br/><br/>That smile faltered though when Hell was brought up. It made more sense now to Stiles. That place had done a number on his mate and that was an understatement. Moving his cold hand to caress Derek's cheek, he sighed.</p>
<p>"Yeah... I can see why you didn't tell me, but you know I would've understood. You can tell me anything, Derek. No matter how hard it is for you to talk about it. I won't judge or make you feel bad about it. I hope you know that too," he whispered with an honest look on his pale face, his thumb never stopping with the caressing.<br/><br/>"I'm just happy I could see and talk to my mom while we embraced. It meant the world to me. I've missed her so very much," he added. Stiles was sure that Derek could sometimes feel how much he did miss his mom. Especially when he was down or desperate for some good advice or guidance. And she did save them now.<br/><br/>Shifting a bit, a grimace ran across his face from the still throbbing pain in all his muscles. "I'm also sorry for shutting you out like I did. I was desperate and depressed after the attack. But I want things to go back to how they were between us. I love you, Derek. I'd never leave you for anyone. You're mine and I am yours," the human leaned in and pressed a kiss against his man's lips again while his hand slid back down to let their fingers lace together.<br/><br/>"Can you take some of the pain, please? I'm too tired to fight it anymore," he whispered while putting his head down on Derek's warm shoulder, the shivers making another return.</p>
<p>"I know you've missed her." Derek had often seen Stiles at her grave in the past, and he probably still went because he was loyal like that. Putting flowers there, talking to her, crying. The wolf had never intruded back then, had only watched to make sure the kid would return home safely. Derek wasn't one to visit graves, because there was nothing left of the family to visit and Laura.... Nope, he hadn't been to the Hale plot since her funeral. Or whatever passed as one because it had only been Derek there, and the sheriff, though that was more to make sure she wasn't going to be buried near the ruined Hale house again.<br/><br/>Maybe knowing he had missed her had made Derek hesitant to tell his mate. It was a sensitive topic and had seemed too crazy given the circumstances. He hadn't thought Stiles would make him feel bad about it, it had been more the other way around. And he hadn't known body possessing was possible since that would have explained it much easier. It didn't matter, it happened the way it happened. Instead he slid his hand to the back of Stiles' neck, so their hands could remain as they were, to pull pain away as asked.<br/><br/>It was never a problem to do that for his mate and he was glad to be asked instead of the human toughing it out with this stubborn idea of not wanting to put Derek through his pain. The strain had been felt, and now that the black lines leached into his own body, it was clear just how much pain Stiles had been in. Too much and it was even dangerous with how cold his body was, it could push him into shock.<br/><br/>"I love you too and I don't want you to run off with another alpha to save me. Or give away your magic if it would keep me alive. There are always other ways."</p>
<p>"Yes, I see that now..." Stiles murmured and sighed with relief as the pain was starting to slowly ebb down to a tolerable level, thanks to Derek's hand on his nape. The warm palm touching the scarred over skin there helped Stiles to anchor himself even more, the stirring magic finally settling and 'touching' Derek only where their skin were in contact, but didn't push. That part of Stiles was still busy settling back where it belonged in his body and it was highly likely that they were going to have to do a balancing tomorrow, to take back from the big amount he had transferred into Derek to keep him safe and strong before he planned to do the ritual.<br/><br/>He saw the errors in his thinking now, even if it seemed like a good idea at the time. But both his mate and mother have managed to make him realize his mistake. They showed him a different path and he had to believe in his mother's words that he and Derek can do everything together. He believed now that they were going to always find another way. They were one, after all. And together they were stronger than anyone could expect.<br/><br/>"I won't do those things, I promise," he opened his eyes to look up at Derek, but his head was too heavy to lift so he just did that and squeezed the warm fingers around his cold ones to let him know that he meant it. His heart and soul felt a little warmer from the love confession too – hearing those words always did that to Stiles.<br/><br/>Then he closed his eyes again, letting Derek continue taking the pain. He trusted his mate to know when to stop, so he didn't comment on that. He was just resting there half-lying on the warm body, his own slightly shivering, but Stiles already felt a little better, his soul and heart a bit less heavy.<br/><br/>"Is she around often?" he asked after a while, nearly half-asleep and obviously meaning his mom.</p>
<p>Derek was pretty full with magic at the moment so he was glad the magic didn't try for more and he wouldn't mind giving some of it back since it felt like his mate had stuffed him as full as possible. Luckily, due to Deaton's insistence to train him to learn to take in more and more magic, it wasn't a problem, not exactly. His skin felt too tight though and Stiles had too little. Of course it made sense since the Spark had anticipated that he wasn't going to take it back ever. It had been an understandable thought but it wasn't Derek's to keep. It could wait until tomorrow, when the human wasn't shivering as violently as he was now.<br/><br/>"She comes and goes. More at your dad's house but she obviously moved with us." It was why the Stilinski home felt different. "She'd have probably shown up more if I had acknowledged her. But the two times I did communicate with ghosts, one tried to get in my pants and the other threw stuff at me. The first one was... more a monster.”</p>
<p>"To some degree it is good to know that mom's around and keeps an eye on me... us. Without her I would've messed things up even more, I think," Stiles murmured, caressing Derek's warm chest then pulling the cover higher up on them with his eyes closed.<br/><br/>"I can also not really blame that ghost who wanted to get into your pants. If I was a ghost haunting you, I'd try to do that all the time too," he chuckled, even if he could guess Derek had some issues with his previous ghost encounters. But it was funny to imagine himself like such a handsy ghost.<br/><br/>"So... my ghost whisperer... Are there other ghosts around us all the time too or just mom? And how did it feel to be possessed by her? Do you remember what we talked about while she was in you?" Stiles asked curious enough not to fall asleep just yet, although he was close to it.</p>
<p>There was a chuckle because Stiles couldn't be anything but a handsy ghost. He was already exactly that now and Derek wouldn't mind that as much as a monster trying to get to the good bits. Since that hadn't been about sex, more like to satisfy a hunger considering the ghost nibbled on toes whenever it had managed to become more solid. Some things he preferred keeping attached to his body without having to sew it back on. Yeah, he didn't want to even think about it.<br/><br/>"There are a lot of ghosts around, but they don't linger around us." Thankfully. His own family had moved on and now that there was a reaper lingering, other ghosts liked to stay away. Not that Claudia could possess Derek or Stiles if they didn't let her. "I was outside my body, watching but I couldn't hear, sounds were muffled, kind of like being under water. It takes a lot of energy and I think I was able to let her because you gave me so much magic. It was... peaceful. Like floating in a big tub of cotton balls."<br/><br/>His body still felt like he had gotten a long work out, muscles hard and tired but nothing too exhausting. Nothing a nap of an hour wouldn't cure. It was however going to be harder when he didn't have such an overkill of energy in his body.</p>
<p>"It must have felt something very special then. Just don't make a habit of it. Even if for my and my mom's sake," Stiles nosed Derek's neck then kissed into it, his arm tightening around the chest he was hugging. "I need you with me. I love mom a bit more for reminding me of that and that we two can do everything together. She was a wise woman so we have to believe her..." Stiles murmured, rubbing his cheek against his mate's chest and slid his cold hand under the other's T-shirt, so very not sorry or ashamed from the uncomfortable feeling that was going to cause to his man. Stiles needed to warm himself up and what better way to do so than wrapping around a heater-like werewolf body like an octopus?<br/><br/>Yeah, there was no interest in keeping sharing his body with ghosts, not even Claudia, unless there was no other way. Sure Derek wanted to give Stiles everything and he was glad he was able to give him a moment with his mother but it had cost her a lot of energy too and Derek could also be in-between them like a translator. Who knows how long it was going to take for her to show up again? She had fizzled out like she had been hit by iron. Though Derek knew it had been the right choice, he wouldn't have been able to reach Stiles like she had and then who knows what would have happened.<br/><br/>Sighing satisfied, Stiles felt the pain receding enough for him to be able to finally be lulled into a sleep by Derek's steady heartbeat. <em>Love you</em>, he wanted to tell Derek, but his overtired brain had decided to shut down right before that and his breathing evened out and became deeper. It was so different, so right, so safe to fall asleep now that he was relieved and didn't have to hide things from Derek anymore.</p>
<p>There was no reply given to the human, there was no need since he was rapidly falling asleep after the move of ice hands pressed against his skin. Which was an asshole move.<br/><br/>For a while Derek listened to the soft puffs of breath with his eyes closed, waiting for the body to warm up before the Hale deemed it safe enough to get some rest as well. Derek had to make sure his mate was going to be okay and it seemed the werewolf warmth was doing its job. It would have been better to get some more warm tea inside Stiles but the one mug had to be enough.<br/><br/>Eventually, even though he tried to stay awake, he dozed off as well. They had no plan yet. Stiles was barely healed thanks to all this, and it didn't seem like they were getting anywhere. For now, it had to be enough to be together like this, balanced in their bonds.<br/><br/></p>
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